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Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.
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Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!
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I watched a documentary on time management, and now I feel like a failure. They had these CEOs waking up at 4 am, meditating, running a marathon, and saving the planet by breakfast. I wake up at 9 am and call it a victory if I find matching socks.
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I attempted DIY home improvement, thinking I could be the next Bob the Builder. Turns out, I'm more like Bob the Destroyer. My optimism is as unrealistic as thinking I can assemble furniture without having at least three leftover screws.
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I bought a self-help book that promised to change my life in 30 days. On day one, it said, 'Visualize success.' I visualized a pile of money. On day 30, I realized my bank account was still in the negatives. Turns out, my imagination is more broke than my wallet.
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I went to the gym with the goal of getting a six-pack. The only six-pack I got was from the beer I drank afterward, trying to forget how unrealistic that dream was. I mean, I'm more of a 'party-size bag of chips' kind of person.
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Living with my roommate is like living in a sitcom. He has these unrealistic expectations, like thinking dirty dishes will magically wash themselves. I told him, 'Dude, the only thing that's unrealistic here is your belief in the dishwasher fairy.'
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I recently started a diet, and it's so unrealistic. They said, 'Cut out carbs.' I'm sorry, but have you tasted bread? It's like telling me to cut out happiness. I'd rather have a muffin top than a joy deficit.
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I tried online dating, and let me tell you, those profile pictures are as unrealistic as a unicorn riding a skateboard. I met this guy who looked like a Greek god online, but in person, he looked more like a Greek salad. I guess Photoshop can't fix personality.
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I attempted to be a morning person, waking up with the sunrise. The only thing I accomplished was seeing the sunrise and immediately going back to bed. Turns out, my body clock runs on a different time zone—more like 'snooze-ville.'
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I tried to cook a gourmet meal following a celebrity chef's recipe. The only thing that turned out gourmet was the bill for the exotic ingredients. I now understand why they call it 'fine dining'—it's fine if you have a trust fund.
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