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You know you're getting old when you bend down to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you can do while you're down there. I mean, the only six-pack I'm working on these days is the one in my fridge! And speaking of six-packs, I used to have abs. Now I have kebabs. And don't get me started on technology. My grandma asked me to explain Snapchat to her. I said, "Well, it's like sending a message, but it disappears... just like my memory." It's not easy keeping up with all these apps. I tried Tinder once, and I swiped right so many times I dislocated my thumb. My arthritis kicked in, and I accidentally super-liked someone. Now I'm committed to a date with someone named Mildred.
Getting old is like being a car. You make weird noises when you get up, and sometimes you leak. But hey, at least I've earned the right to tell young people to get off my lawn. I tell them, "Back in my day, we didn't have lawns. We had dirt, and we were grateful for it!
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You ever notice that grandmas have a saying for everything? My grandma used to say, "If you can't say something nice, make it funny." So here I am. But seriously, grandmas have a way of dropping wisdom like it's hot. My grandma told me, "Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer you get to the end, the faster it goes." Thanks, grandma, for that inspirational insight from the bathroom. And have you noticed that grandmas are the only people who can say something mean and wrap it up with a smile? "Oh, bless your heart" is Southern grandma for "You're an idiot." And when they say, "You've put on some weight," what they mean is, "You look like you've been enjoying life."
But grandmas are also the best at giving advice. Mine told me, "Never go to bed angry. Stay awake and plot your revenge." And if you're ever feeling down, just call your grandma. She'll have you believing you're the most handsome, talented, and well-adjusted person on the planet. Even if you're not.
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You know you're getting older when you bend down to tie your shoelaces and forget why you're there. I call it a senior moment; my wife calls it selective hearing. But let's be honest, my brain is like an internet browser with 47 tabs open, and they're all frozen. Memory loss is a real thing. I forgot my password the other day, and the security question was, "What is your favorite childhood memory?" Well, if I could remember that, I wouldn't need a password reset.
But it's not all bad. I've learned to embrace the forgetfulness. Now, when I walk into a room and forget why I'm there, I just announce, "I'm here for a surprise visit!" It works every time. And when I can't find my keys, I tell people I'm practicing mindfulness. Who needs keys when you're living in the moment, right?
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I recently retired, and let me tell you, retirement is a lot like being a kid again, but with more money. My retirement plan is to die young, but as late as possible. The problem is, I'm at that awkward age where my back goes out more than I do. But retirement isn't all fun and games. I've become a professional napper. I can nap anywhere, anytime. I'm so good at it; I should put it on my resume. "Skills: Can fall asleep within five minutes of sitting down."
And speaking of retirement goals, my main objective is to be the person my dog thinks I am. He looks at me with such admiration, like I'm the greatest thing that ever happened to him. I aspire to be that kind of hero to someone, even if it's just my dog.
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