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I recently joined a procrastinator's club. They haven't had a meeting yet. I'm hoping it gets postponed indefinitely.
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I went to a job interview and they asked me where I saw myself in five years. I said, "Celebrating the fifth anniversary of you asking me this question." Surprisingly, I didn't get the job.
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I bought a self-help book the other day. The first page said, "You can achieve anything if you set your mind to it." So, I tried to close the book with my mind. It's still sitting on my shelf.
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I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug. Apparently, I'm one of them.
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My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I'm just following medical advice.
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You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake. I went to buy birthday candles the other day, and the cashier asked if I wanted a gift receipt for the candles. A gift receipt for candles? What, in case they don't light up my life?
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My friend asked me if I wanted to hear a construction joke. I said yes, but I'm still waiting for the punchline. Apparently, it's still under construction.
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I tried to lose weight by drinking green tea every day. Now I can't blink without feeling like I'm doing yoga for my eyelids. Who knew my eyes were in need of a detox?
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I love cooking shows, but they always make it seem like you can whip up a gourmet meal in 30 minutes. Meanwhile, I'm still trying to find the lid for the Tupperware.
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