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I tried to impress my date by ordering something fancy at a restaurant. Turns out, pronouncing "Bouillabaisse" is my own version of a spy mission. The waiter had to send in reinforcements to decode my order.
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You ever feel like your phone is spying on you? I mean, I mentioned needing a new vacuum cleaner in a conversation, and suddenly, my Instagram feed is flooded with vacuum cleaner ads. Either my phone is eavesdropping or it's become an unintentional matchmaker.
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I recently tried the whole spy thing at home. Tried to sneak cookies without my kids noticing. Failed miserably. Apparently, a squeaky floorboard is a dead giveaway, and my cover was blown in seconds.
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Ever think about how spies never seem to have any personal drama? No family issues, no awkward high school reunions, just international espionage. Meanwhile, I can't even avoid drama on a group chat about weekend plans.
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Spies must be great at multitasking. I can barely handle scrolling through my social media feed while watching TV. Meanwhile, they're out there saving the world while flawlessly diffusing bombs and probably sipping on a latte.
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You know you're getting old when you start suspecting your cat is a spy. I mean, it sits there, watching your every move, plotting something. Pretty sure it's reporting back to headquarters about my questionable life choices.
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Have you ever noticed how spy movies make being a secret agent look so glamorous? In reality, if I had to sneak around in all-black attire, I'd probably trip over my own feet and alert the bad guys with a symphony of awkward noises.
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Spies must be masters of disguise. I put on sunglasses and a hat, thinking I'd go incognito at the mall. Instead, I just looked like I was auditioning for a low-budget spy movie – "Agent Awkward: The Uncool Chronicles.
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Spies must be experts at blending in. Meanwhile, I can't even blend in at a party where I know everyone. "Is it just me, or did that potted plant just give me a weird look?
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I bought a new pen the other day, and it had this tiny camera logo on it. I joked with my friends that it's a spy pen. Now, every time I use it, I feel like I should be narrating my grocery list like it's some classified mission briefing. "Agent Grocery, mission: Eggs and Milk – commence!
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