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You guys ever apply for scholarships? It's like trying to win the lottery, but instead of cash, you get the opportunity to drown in student loans. I applied for this one scholarship, and the essay prompt was something like, "Describe a challenging experience you've overcome." So naturally, I wrote about trying to assemble IKEA furniture. I thought it showed resilience and problem-solving skills, but I guess the scholarship committee disagreed. I imagine the scholarship review process is just a bunch of people sitting around a table saying, "Well, this one wrote about curing cancer. And here's another who wrote about ending world hunger. Oh, and here's Dave. He wrote about conquering the art of assembling a MALM dresser. Dave, you're going places!
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You ever notice how scholarships are named after people? It's like, "Congratulations, you've just won the John Q. Public Memorial Scholarship!" And I'm thinking, did John Q. Public even know he had a scholarship named after him? Was he sitting in the afterlife thinking, "I could've sworn I donated that money to buy a lifetime supply of peanut butter." Imagine if you won a scholarship and had to meet the family of the person it's named after. "Hi, I'm the recipient of the John Q. Public Memorial Scholarship." And they're looking at you like, "Who are you, and why is our family's money going to your education? Can't you get a job or something?
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You know, writing scholarship essays is an art. You've got to be humble, but not too humble. Confident, but not arrogant. It's like trying to find the perfect balance between Shakespeare and a LinkedIn profile. And then there's the word count requirement. "Please describe your life goals in 500 words or less." I'm over here thinking, "Can't I just submit a well-crafted tweet and call it a day? #EducationGoals #GiveMeMoney.
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Ever get that rejection email for a scholarship? It's like a breakup, but worse. "We regret to inform you that you didn't get the scholarship. Thanks for playing. Better luck next time. P.S. Your dreams are officially on hold." I always wonder who writes those rejection emails. Like, is there a person in an office somewhere going, "Let's see how creatively we can crush these kids' spirits today." I want to meet that person and say, "Hey, thanks for the rejection. You've just inspired my future stand-up comedy career. Who's laughing now?
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