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Rod recently got a new microwave, and he's acting like he's the first person in history to own one. He calls me up, all excited, and says, "Dude, my microwave has a popcorn button!" I'm like, "Yeah, Rod, welcome to the 21st century. Microwaves have had that since, like, forever." But here's the kicker – Rod decides to test the limits of technology. He puts in a bag of chips and hits the popcorn button. I'm like, "Rod, that's not how it works." He goes, "Why not? It's just popcorn, right?" Now, his kitchen looks like the set of a low-budget action movie, with chips exploding everywhere.
I told him, "Rod, the microwave is not a magical device that turns everything into popcorn. You can't just throw in a frozen pizza and expect it to pop out as mini-slices!
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Rod and technology are like oil and water – they just don't mix. He called me one day, all frustrated, saying, "My laptop is so slow. I think it has a virus." I ask, "Rod, when was the last time you ran a virus scan?" He goes, "Virus scan? I thought that was just a suggestion." So, I decide to help him out. I take a look at his laptop, and it's like a digital archaeological dig. He has so many toolbars; it looks like a virtual garage sale. I'm like, "Rod, why do you need all this stuff?" He says, "I don't know, man. It came with the computer."
Now, every time I hear someone say, "I don't know, it came with the computer," I can't help but picture a tech fairy sneaking into people's homes and installing random software like some kind of digital Santa Claus.
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You ever notice how some people just want to rebel against everything, no matter how trivial? I've got this friend, let's call him Rod, because, well, that's his actual name. Rod is a rebel without a cause. I asked him once why he does it, and he said, "Man, rules are meant to be broken." I'm like, "Rod, it's a 'No Parking' sign, not the Ten Commandments!" One day, we're at a crosswalk, waiting for the light to change, like normal law-abiding citizens. Rod turns to me and says, "You know what? I'm crossing!" I'm like, "Dude, there's a red hand!" He looks me dead in the eyes and says, "I'm a rebel, not a traffic light enthusiast."
Now, whenever I see a 'Do Not Enter' sign, I half expect Rod to bust through it on a skateboard, just for the thrill. I mean, who knew that the real enemy all along was pedestrian safety?
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Rod fancies himself a coffee connoisseur. He's always going on about the perfect roast, the ideal brewing time, and the precise water temperature. I asked him once, "Rod, do you even know where your coffee beans come from?" He looks at me and says, "The store, obviously." But here's the kicker – he insists on making his coffee in a French press. Nothing wrong with that, right? Well, Rod uses it as if he's performing some kind of ancient coffee ritual. He's got this whole routine, like he's summoning the caffeine gods.
I went over to his place, and he's there, wearing a robe, candlelight flickering, whispering sweet nothings to his coffee grounds. I'm pretty sure I saw him bow before he took the first sip. Rod's coffee routine is so elaborate; it's like he's auditioning for a role in a barista-themed Broadway musical.
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