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You know, there's an unwritten law at the gym: the louder someone is shaking their protein shaker, the less likely they are to rerack their weights. It's like they think the noise will distract us from the fact that they just left a mess of dumbbells scattered across the floor. I saw a guy the other day shaking his protein concoction so vigorously; I thought he was auditioning for a role in a protein-shake-themed maraca band. Dude, we get it, you lift. But could you also lift your weights back to where they belong?
And what's with the protein-shake dance they do? They shake it like they're in a choreographed routine. I half expect them to break into a protein shake flash mob. Maybe that's the real reason they're shaking it so hard – they're trying to summon the gym spirits to rerack their weights for them.
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You ever try being in a relationship with someone on a protein shake diet? It's like dating a blender. You have to schedule your romantic moments between their shake rituals. "Sorry, babe, no kissing right now, it's shake time." And the protein gas – let's not ignore the elephant in the room. I'm convinced they're secretly testing new rocket fuels in the bathroom. You walk in after them, and it's like entering a war zone. I need a hazmat suit just to brush my teeth.
But here's the real relationship test: can you love someone who insists on calling it "gym juice"? It's not juice, Karen! It's a concoction that smells like a science experiment gone wrong. If love can survive gym juice, it can survive anything.
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You ever notice how protein shakes are like the secret potion of the fitness world? People chug those things down like it's the elixir of life. I mean, what's in those shakes? Are they secretly brewing a potion in the gym basement? I tried a protein shake once. It said it had 30 grams of protein, but it didn't mention the 30 grams of confusion it left me with. I felt like I needed a degree in biochemistry just to understand the ingredients list. "Isopropylmethylbutylamine"? Is that a chemical or a spell from Harry Potter?
And don't get me started on the flavors. They have flavors like "Cookies and Cream" and "Double Fudge Brownie." I'm expecting a dessert, and I get a beverage that tastes like a melted action figure. Where's the cream? Where's the fudge? Did I miss a memo about action figures being the new superfood?
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Protein shakes are marketed like they're the instant buff spell from a video game. You drink one, and suddenly you're supposed to transform into a superhero. But the only transformation I experienced was from "Skinny Steve" to "Bloaty Bloke" because apparently, my stomach didn't get the memo. I thought I was getting fit, but all I got was a one-way ticket to Bloatsville. I felt like the Michelin Man's less successful cousin. And they say it's all about the gains, but I didn't sign up for the "gains" in the belly region. I wanted biceps, not a bloat.
And the worst part? My bathroom scale started laughing at me. I could swear it mocked me with a "Nice try, buddy" as I stepped off. Maybe they should put a disclaimer on those protein shakes: "Results may vary, and laughter from inanimate objects is not uncommon.
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