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You ever notice how in cop movies, the undercover detective always has the worst cover story? Like, "Yeah, I'm totally a criminal, just ignore the fact that I can't name a single criminal activity besides jaywalking." And they always look out of place, right? Like they're wearing a suit in a biker bar, trying to fit in. "Yeah, I'm just here for the leather jackets and tattoos, not the illegal activities, I swear!"
I can't help but think if I went undercover, I'd blow my cover in five seconds. "Yeah, I'm here to buy... uh, illegal things. You guys got any... crime? No? Well, this is awkward.
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You ever notice how cop cars have that tiny backseat? What's that about? Are they expecting to arrest leprechauns? I mean, I'm a regular-sized human, and I feel like a contortionist trying to sit back there. And the plastic seats – they're like, "Let's make it as uncomfortable as possible so criminals will just confess to get out of the pain!" "Okay, okay, I stole the candy bar! Just take me to a more cushioned chair!"
But seriously, why don't they make cop cars with more legroom? I bet if they did, crime rates would drop. Criminals would be like, "You know what, I was gonna rob that bank, but I can't deal with the cramped backseat. I'll just stay home and watch Netflix.
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You know, I recently binge-watched all the Police Academy movies. Yeah, those films from the '80s where they turn a bunch of misfits into police officers. I couldn't help but think, "Is this how they train our law enforcement? Are they out there tackling crime with sound effects and pratfalls?" I mean, can you imagine getting pulled over, and the cop steps out doing the High Tower slow-mo walk? I'd be like, "Am I in trouble or auditioning for a dance-off?"
And what's with that one guy who makes all those crazy noises with his mouth? I want that talent! Imagine getting out of a speeding ticket because you can mimic a police siren perfectly. "Oh, officer, that wasn't me speeding, that was just my impeccable siren impression!"
But seriously, I think we should update police training. Maybe throw in a little improv class. "Officer, why did you shoot?" "Well, my improv teacher said always go with your first instinct!
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You ever notice how people blindly follow their GPS, even if it leads them into a lake? Now imagine if cops did that. "Dispatch, I'm in pursuit of a suspect. Currently entering a river. Send a boat!" And the GPS voice, it's always so calm. "In 500 feet, turn left into oncoming traffic." "Alright, GPS, if you say so!"
I think cops should have a GPS system that matches their intensity. "Suspect at 12 o'clock! Take a sharp right into the alley – GO, GO, GO!" I'd pay good money to see that.
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