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Pepper spray: the only product that can make you question your decision to wear contact lenses. I thought my eyes were supposed to be the windows to my soul, not a high-stakes obstacle course.
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I tried using pepper spray for the first time, and let me tell you, it's not as glamorous as they make it seem in the movies. There's no slow-motion hair flip or dramatic music playing. It's just you, rubbing your eyes, and questioning your life choices.
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Pepper spray has the unique ability to turn a confident strut into a panicked shuffle. Forget runway models; I'm practicing my pepper spray escape walk – it's all about grace under fire, or, you know, spice.
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I tried explaining to my cat why I came home smelling like I'd been wrestling a jalapeño. He just gave me that judgmental stare, as if to say, "You humans and your weird hobbies. I'll stick to knocking things off shelves, thank you very much.
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You ever notice how pepper spray manufacturers must have a secret slogan like, "Turning self-defense into a salsa dance since forever." I mean, who knew a little canister could spice up your life so much?
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I discovered a new superpower after being pepper sprayed – I can now detect the presence of onions in a 10-mile radius. Forget Spider-Man, call me the Condiment Crusader. Villains beware, I come with a tear-inducing punch!
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Getting pepper sprayed is like participating in an involuntary mime performance. You start frantically waving your hands around, doing the invisible box routine, all while trying not to look like you're auditioning for the role of the world's saddest clown.
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Ever notice how when you get pepper sprayed, suddenly you become a gourmet chef? I was coughing so hard, I unintentionally seasoned my entire kitchen. I'm thinking of starting my own cooking show - "Spicy Surprises with Tearful Tastebuds.
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You know you're adulting when you have a designated drawer for things like pepper spray, spare keys, and old ketchup packets. It's like a survival kit for the mundane, where the most action it sees is when you accidentally grab the wrong condiment.
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