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So, I heard Joel Osteen is opening a coffee shop. Yeah, he's branching out. I guess he figured, why save souls on an empty stomach when you can do it with a latte in hand? I can see the menu now: "The Heavenly Brew," "Prosperity Espresso," and of course, the "Divine Cappuccino," guaranteed to bring you enlightenment in every sip. But be careful, folks; too many sips, and you might start seeing the face of Jesus in your latte art.
And you know they'll have a loyalty program. Instead of a punch card, it's a prayer card. Ten prayers, and your eleventh one is free! Because in Joel's world, even your coffee should be blessed.
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You guys ever heard of Joel Osteen? The guy's got a smile that could light up a room. But you know what they say, "Behind every great smile, there's a holy grilled cheese sandwich." Seriously, if you haven't seen it, this thing looks like the face of divine intervention. I mean, I'm not saying it's a miracle, but if you find the image of Jesus on your grilled cheese, you might just get a lifetime supply of prosperity sermons. I tried making one at home, but all I got was a sandwich that looked like it needed a therapist. I thought, maybe it's not the sandwich; maybe it's my faith in carbs that's lacking.
I can just imagine Joel Osteen sitting down for lunch, biting into his heavenly grilled cheese, and thinking, "This is what Jesus would eat if he had a cheat day.
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Let's talk about Joel Osteen's workout plan. I didn't know he had one until recently. I thought his idea of lifting weights was counting all the dollar bills from the offering plate. But no, apparently, he's into fitness. I saw him on TV the other day, and he was talking about staying fit and healthy. He said, "Exercise is good for the soul." I'm thinking, "Joel, I thought prayer was good for the soul. Now you're telling me I need a treadmill too?!"
I can imagine his workout routine: 30 minutes of positive affirmations, followed by an hour of weightlifting—lifting those heavy burdens of life. And if you want those six-pack abs, well, that's gonna cost you an extra offering.
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Did you know Joel Osteen once tried stand-up comedy? Yeah, imagine Joel on stage, telling jokes about heaven and prosperity. It was like a celestial comedy club. He started with, "Why did the chicken cross the road? To find a more prosperous coop, of course!" I thought, Joel, stick to the sermons. Comedy might not be your true calling.
But hey, if Joel ever decides to give it another shot, I have a suggestion for his opening joke: "Why did the televangelist cross the stage? To get to the holy mic and tell you that your laughter offering is tax-deductible!
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