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I was reading this fantasy novel the other day, and it struck me – orcs must have some seriously bad marketing. I mean, why are they always the bad guys? Where are the Orc PR specialists trying to rebrand them as misunderstood creatures just trying to make a living in a tough fantasy world?
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You ever notice how orcs are always portrayed as these ferocious warriors, yet they never seem to invest in proper armor for their lower legs? It's like, "Sure, protect the torso and head, but who needs shin guards when you're storming a castle?
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You ever notice how orcs in fantasy novels always seem to have the worst dental hygiene? I mean, they're out there conquering kingdoms and battling heroes, but a good dentist? Not on their priority list.
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Orcs are like the original heavy metal band of the fantasy world. They've got the tattoos, the piercings, and a soundtrack of battle cries that would make any headbanger proud. Forget about "Orcapalooza" – that's a mosh pit I'd steer clear of.
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Orcs and their battle cries – it's like they attended the School of Intimidation but skipped the subtlety classes. Imagine an orc in a library: "SHHH! QUIET OR I'LL SMITE THEE!
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I bet if orcs had their own cooking show, it would be all about grilling – not just meats, but the entire concept of "grilling" as an intimidation tactic. "Tonight on Orc Eats: How to Make Your Enemies Tremble with a Perfectly Grilled Veggie Skewer.
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Orcs must have the worst Yelp reviews for their lairs. "Five stars for intimidation, but the decor is a bit too 'dark and ominous.' Also, the constant threat of violence makes it hard to enjoy the complimentary continental breakfast.
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Orcs are the only creatures I know who look at a massive siege weapon and think, "You know what this needs? More spikes!" It's like they're compensating for something – probably the lack of a decent dental plan.
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Orcs must have a booming dry cleaning business in fantasy worlds. I mean, with all the mud, blood, and dragon slobber they get on their clothes, they probably have a standing account at the local orc-friendly cleaners.
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