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I love how restaurant menus call it a "chef's special" when they're really just trying to get rid of yesterday's leftovers. "Yes, I'll have the chef's special – a masterpiece of culinary recycling.
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The "open here" instructions on food packaging are a joke. It's either an extreme challenge or a game of 'find the hidden flap.' "I just wanted some cookies, not a puzzle adventure!
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You ever notice how alarm clocks are the only things that go off and then expect you to get up? I need a device that goes off, makes coffee, and gently nudges me out of bed. "Rise and shine – and yes, I've brewed your favorite blend.
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You ever notice how laundry detergent lids have that little cup for measuring? Like, who's measuring? I just pour that stuff in like I'm concocting a magical potion. "Two squirts of freshness and a pinch of stain-fighting power – voila, my clothes are spellbound!
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I was at the grocery store the other day, and I saw a cashier with nail polish that matched the store's logo. I guess when you're scanning groceries all day, you've got to find some way to make it a glamorous job. "Yes, I'd like to purchase these snacks and a side of fabulousness, please.
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Have you ever noticed that escalators never break? They just become stairs. "Sorry for the convenience, folks. We didn't expect you to elevate your life today.
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Why do we press harder on the remote control when we know the batteries are weak? It's like, "Come on, button, I believe in you! One more press, and we might just power through this episode!
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The other day, I saw a "Do Not Walk on the Grass" sign, and I thought, "Well, now the grass is just showing off. What's next, 'Do Not Admire the Flowers'?" I can't keep up with these demanding plants and their diva behavior.
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Why do bathroom stalls have that awkward gap in the door? I mean, I don't need a personal audience when I'm in there. "Ladies and gentlemen, presenting the one and only... me, trying to handle my business!
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