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The New York Times is the only newspaper that makes you question your own existence. You start reading an article about climate change, and suddenly you're contemplating the meaning of life and wondering if you should switch to solar-powered toothpaste.
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Have you ever tried to fold the New York Times? It's like performing origami with a doctoral thesis. By the time you're done, you feel like you've achieved a black belt in news ninja skills.
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I tried to use the New York Times as a fly swatter once. Let me tell you, those opinion pieces have some serious weight. The fly didn't stand a chance, but now I'm questioning my stance on climate change.
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The New York Times app should come with a warning: "May cause thumb cramps due to excessive scrolling." It's like a never-ending story, but instead of dragons and princesses, it's all about politics and economic forecasts.
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The New York Times crossword is the only puzzle where the answers are more elusive than my keys when I'm running late. I'm convinced they're not meant to be solved; they're just there to humble us all.
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The New York Times is so fancy. It's the only newspaper that requires a monocle to read. If you don't have a monocle, you're just not sophisticated enough for the news.
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I love how the New York Times has sections for everything. You've got your politics, business, and arts. It's like a buffet of information, but instead of choosing what you want, you end up with a plate full of opinions and a side of breaking news.
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You ever notice how the New York Times is like that friend who always has to one-up your story? You're like, "I had a bad day," and the New York Times is like, "Hold my front page!
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The New York Times is so sophisticated; it's the only newspaper that has a recommended wine pairing for each section. Politics goes well with a robust red, while the crossword pairs nicely with a crisp white.
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