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Malone's Fitness Class
When Malone starts a workout class, but his idea of a "six-pack" involves a cooler of beer
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In Malone's fitness class, we don't do traditional push-ups. We do "reach for the remote" and "grab another beer" push-ups. It's the only workout where you can sweat and stay hydrated at the same time.
Malone's Barber
When your barber is also a conspiracy theorist
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Malone loves giving haircuts and conspiracy theories in equal measure. Last time I was there, he said, "I can give you a trim and tell you why the moon landing was faked, all for the price of one haircut!
Malone's Dating Advice
When Malone gives dating advice but hasn't been on a date in a decade
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Malone's dating mantra is, "Love is like a fine wine; it gets better with age." I reminded him that wine doesn't have a cat and a collection of action figures as roommates.
Malone's Tech Support
When Malone tries to fix your computer but thinks RAM is a type of snack
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Malone's idea of antivirus software is putting your laptop in the microwave for 30 seconds. According to him, it kills both viruses and hunger cravings simultaneously.
Malone's Gardening Tips
When Malone believes talking to plants is the secret to a green thumb
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Malone's gardening philosophy is simple: "Water your plants, give them sunlight, and if they're still not growing, try negotiating a better deal with them. Maybe they need a union.
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