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You know, I was babysitting my nephew the other day, and he insisted on watching his favorite movie for the 100th time. Now, I'm thinking, "Okay, kids have these amazing, imaginative worlds in their movies, right?" But no, his favorite movie is about a talking, dancing sponge who lives in a pineapple under the sea. I'm like, "Really? Out of all the possibilities, a sponge?" And then you watch it with them, and they're so into it. They know every line, every song. Meanwhile, I'm sitting there, questioning my life choices, wondering if I should have pursued a career in marine biology just to understand this sponge's lifestyle. I mean, do sponges even have lifestyles? I don't know; I'm not a marine biologist!
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Kids have this incredible ability to watch the same movie over and over and over again. It's like they're training for a movie-watching marathon. I tried suggesting a new movie to my niece, and she looked at me like I'd suggested we go bungee jumping off the Empire State Building. "No, Uncle, we watch Moana. Again." So, now I've become a human DVR, reciting every line of every scene from Moana like I'm auditioning for a role in the live-action version. I'm waiting for the day they introduce me to their friends, like, "This is Uncle Comedian, he knows Moana better than Moana knows Moana.
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I started thinking about the logic in these kids' movies. Take SpongeBob, for example. He's a sponge, and his best friend is a starfish. I'm like, "Okay, in what universe do sponges and starfish become best buddies?" If I threw a sponge and a starfish in a room together, I doubt they'd start planning a trip to Jellyfish Fields. And let's not even get started on the fast food joint where SpongeBob works. The Krusty Krab is run by a greedy crab, and the only thing on the menu is a Krabby Patty. I mean, I love a good burger, but if that's all they serve, I'd probably turn into a vegetarian. But no, in Bikini Bottom, everyone's obsessed with this one burger. It's like the In-N-Out of the sea!
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Parents, you understand the struggle of trying to pick a kids' movie. You're standing in front of the TV, holding up two DVDs like you're choosing the fate of the universe. "Should we go with the talking animals or the animated robots?" And you know whatever you choose, they'll be over it in a week, and you'll be back at square one. I've tried introducing my niece to the classics, you know, the movies we grew up with. But no, she's not having it. She's like, "What do you mean there's no Elsa or Olaf? Where's the catchy song I can sing on repeat until you regret your life choices?"
It's a parental predicament, folks. You either endure the same animated characters over and over or try to convince your kid that Snow White is cooler than the latest animated sensation. Good luck with that!
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