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You know, I've got this friend, Julio. Great guy, but he's got this unique talent. He can make any situation awkward. I mean, you could be talking about the weather, and somehow, he'd find a way to make it uncomfortable. Last week, we were at a party, and someone brought up the topic of global warming. Now, most people would discuss melting ice caps or rising temperatures, but not Julio. He starts talking about how his goldfish died because the water got too warm. I'm like, "Julio, we're discussing a global crisis, and you're mourning your fish!" It's like he has an awkwardness superpower.
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I've realized that hanging out with Julio is like being in a comedy club where you're the only audience member, and Julio is the unintentional stand-up act. He brings the conflict to any situation. We could be at a funeral, and he'd accidentally knock over the flower arrangement. "Sorry about that. Julio strikes again!" I've started bringing him along just for the entertainment value. Life with Julio is like living in a sitcom, and I'm the lead character trying to keep everything together while he adds the laugh track.
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Julio is also the master of social awkwardness. We went to a restaurant the other day, and the waiter asked if we were ready to order. Julio looks at the menu and says, "I'll have the usual." The waiter looks puzzled and says, "Sir, this is your first time here." Julio goes, "Oh, right. I thought I was in my usual restaurant. My bad." I'm just sitting there, thinking, "What usual restaurant, Julio? The one in your dreams?" He's creating awkwardness where it doesn't even exist.
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Julio's dating life is a sitcom waiting to happen. He told me he tried speed dating once, but it didn't work out. I asked why. Turns out, he thought it was a competition. He's there with a stopwatch, ranking people based on their introductions. "Sorry, Lisa, but you only had 57 seconds. Next!" I told him it's about getting to know people, not setting a land-speed record. His romantic life is like a series of unfortunate events, and I'm just waiting for Netflix to pick it up.
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