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Ladies and gentlemen, let's talk about graphic designers. Now, I'm not saying they're wizards, but have you ever seen a graphic designer create magic with a mouse and a screen? I asked one the other day to design my dating profile picture. I told him, "Make me look like a mix between Chris Hemsworth and a fluffy kitten." He hands me back a picture that looked like Chris Hemsworth got stuck in a wind turbine while holding a lint roller. I said, "Is this the best you can do?" He replied, "Well, you did say fluffy kitten."
I swear, these graphic designers have the power to turn a potato into a supermodel, but when it comes to my picture, suddenly, it's a challenge. Maybe I need to start adding Photoshop skills to my dating profile. "Swipe right; I come with my own retouch tool!
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Graphic designers are like the gatekeepers of color. They have names for colors that sound more like yoga poses than anything you'd find in a box of crayons. I asked my designer friend what color he used for a project, and he said, "Oh, that's 'Zen Blue Lotus Blossom.' It promotes tranquility and inner peace." I'm over here just trying to find a shirt that matches my pants, and they're on some spiritual journey through the color spectrum. And then they throw around terms like "RGB" and "CMYK" like they're secret codes to the universe. I'm pretty sure I accidentally summoned a demon the last time I tried to adjust the RGB on my computer.
Next time someone asks me what my favorite color is, I'm just going to say, "Web-safe palette, obviously." That'll impress them, right? Or at least confuse them enough to change the topic.
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Let's delve into the world of fonts, folks. Graphic designers have this obsession with fonts that I just don't understand. I asked my designer friend to create a flyer for my comedy show, and he spends hours debating whether to use Arial or Helvetica. I'm like, "Dude, just pick one and let's roll with it. I'm not launching a spaceship; it's a comedy show!" And don't even get me started on Comic Sans. If you want to ruin a graphic designer's day, just mention Comic Sans. It's like kryptonite for them. I tried it once. I sent my designer a message in Comic Sans, and I've never seen someone reply with such a passive-aggressive use of Times New Roman.
Graphic designers treat fonts like they're the secret sauce to the universe. I'm waiting for the day they start ranking friendships based on font choices. "Sorry, we can't be friends; you're a Times New Roman person, and I'm a Helvetica kind of guy.
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I recently tried to learn Photoshop, and let me tell you, that software is like a Rubik's Cube designed by a sadistic genius. I told my graphic designer friend, "I'm trying to master Photoshop," and he looked at me like I said I was going to climb Mount Everest naked. There are so many buttons and tools in Photoshop; it's like trying to perform brain surgery on a mosquito. And every time I think I've figured it out, Photoshop hits me with a new update. I swear, they update that thing more often than my mom updates her Facebook status.
I decided to Photoshop myself onto a beach for my Zoom background. But instead of a tropical paradise, I ended up on a deserted island with a Wi-Fi signal weaker than my will to exercise. Maybe Photoshop has a sense of humor, and it's trying to teach me a lesson: stick to what you know, like ordering takeout.
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