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French cuisine has this way of making you feel like you're in a foreign film without subtitles. I tried to impress a date once by ordering in fluent French, or at least what I thought was fluent. I confidently said, "Je voudrais le poulet," thinking I was ordering the chicken. Turns out, I asked for the rooster. The waiter gave me a look like, "Are you sure you want a wake-up call with your meal?" And don't get me started on the wine list. I feel like I need a PhD in oenology just to understand it. The waiter asks, "Red or white?" I'm thinking, "Can I get a 'Confused' with a side of 'I have no idea what I'm doing'?
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Let's talk about croissants. They're delicious, right? But have you ever tried to eat one without making a mess? It's like taking on a pastry MMA match. Layers of flaky dough are flying everywhere, and by the end, you're covered in more crumbs than a crime scene. I feel like I need a hazmat suit just to enjoy breakfast. And why do they have to be so light and airy? I eat three croissants, and suddenly I'm floating like a balloon at the Thanksgiving Day Parade. I'm just waiting for someone to tie a string around me and let me soar into the sky, powered by French pastries.
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Ever notice the judgmental stare you get from French waiters when you mispronounce something on the menu? I asked for "escargot" once and got a look like I'd just requested a live performance of interpretive dance with my dinner. The waiter's eyes said, "Oh, honey, you're not in Kansas anymore." And the way they say "bon appétit" after you order, it's like they're silently judging your life choices. "Bon appétit" more like "Good luck with that questionable decision." I feel like I need a French pronunciation coach before I can safely dine in one of those places.
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You ever been to a fancy French restaurant? They make ordering food feel like solving a complex math problem. You're sitting there, trying to decipher the menu, and suddenly you feel like you need a secret decoder ring just to figure out what "Coq au Vin" really means. I mean, why not just call it "Chicken in Wine"? Keep it simple, you know? I don't need a culinary cryptologist to order dinner. And what's the deal with the portion sizes? You order something that sounds amazing, like "Bouillabaisse," and they bring you a plate with what looks like a tiny ocean in it. I'm sitting there thinking, "Did I accidentally order seafood for ants?" I need a magnifying glass to find the fish in this dish!
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