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I recently joined a gym with a "no judgment" policy. Yet, the guy next to me on the treadmill still gave me the side-eye when I slowed down to catch my breath. I guess judgment is just a cardio exercise we can't escape.
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They say laughter is the best medicine. I say it's the best ab workout. If that's true, then my six-pack is hidden under layers of hilarious anecdotes.
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I bought a fitness DVD once. The only exercise I got was trying to wrestle it out of the packaging. They should include a disclaimer: "Requires Olympic-level strength to open.
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Fitness trackers are supposed to motivate you, right? Mine just judges me. "You've taken 3,000 steps today." Yeah, well, I also took 3,000 sips of coffee, but you don't see anyone congratulating me for that.
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Fitbits are like naggy personal trainers on your wrist. "You've been sitting for too long." Well, excuse me, Fitbit, I didn't realize sitting was a crime. I'll add it to my list of unsolicited fitness advice.
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You ever notice how "fit" is a lot like your Wi-Fi signal? It's always stronger when you're closer to the gym, and mysteriously disappears the moment you sit down with a bag of chips.
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I decided to try a fitness class once. The instructor said, "Feel the burn!" I felt it alright - mostly in my pizza-loving soul. Turns out, my soul is not "fit" for intense exercise.
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I tried a juice cleanse once. After three days, I was so "fit" for survival that I could identify every pizza place within a ten-mile radius blindfolded. It's a skill.
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The gym is a strange place. You see people on the treadmill, running like they're being chased by a herd of wild kale. Meanwhile, I'm on the elliptical, thinking about how it's just a less intense version of skiing, minus the snow and fun.
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