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Why is it that the GPS lady sounds so calm and collected when I make a wrong turn? I want her to be more honest, like, "You missed the turn. Again. Are you even trying? Recalculating, but seriously, get it together, Dave.
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Have you ever tried assembling furniture from one of those big Swedish stores? It's like a relationship test. You either come out with a beautifully crafted bookshelf and a stronger bond, or you're one wrong turn of the Allen wrench away from a heated argument.
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Have you ever noticed that the more expensive a razor is, the more likely it is to vanish into thin air in your bathroom? It's like they have a secret society and the initiation is disappearing right when you need a shave the most.
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Let's talk about the TV remote. No matter how many buttons it has, there's always that one button you've never pressed. It's like the remote's way of saying, "I dare you to figure out what this does without messing up the whole system.
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Why do we call it "fast food" when the drive-thru line takes longer than it would to cook a three-course meal at home? I'm sitting there thinking, "I could've grown my own potatoes and raised a cow by now.
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Why do we have to press the elevator button multiple times, as if that's going to make it arrive any faster? I'm there, hitting the button like it owes me money, thinking I've cracked the code to instant vertical transportation.
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You ever notice how the expiration date on a carton of milk is like a suggestion rather than a rule? It's like, "Hey, you could drink this today, or you could play expiration date roulette and see what happens tomorrow!
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You ever notice how a sneeze in public is the only natural bodily function we apologize for? You don't hear someone burp and then say, "Oh, excuse me, that was unexpected." But sneeze, and suddenly you're saying sorry to everyone in a three-foot radius.
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I love how every salad comes with a slice of lemon. Like, thanks for the decorative touch, but I ordered a salad, not a lemonade with a side of leaves. Can I get some greens without feeling like I'm making a citrusy cocktail?
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