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English teachers love to tell us that language is a living, breathing thing. But you try telling that to my English teacher when I handed in a paper using the word 'lit.' She circled it and wrote, "Informal language, consider revising." I was like, "But Mrs. Thompson, it was a fire essay! It was literally lit!" And then there's the whole British English vs. American English thing. I handed in a paper with 'colour' spelled the British way, and my teacher acted like I insulted the Queen. She said, "We're in America, not London!" I wanted to say, "Well, excuse me, Your Majesty, I didn't realize we were still holding a grudge over the Revolutionary War in the classroom.
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You ever notice how English teachers are like the fashion police of the literary world? I mean, they come at you with their red pens like they're slashing through the fabric of your dreams. "This metaphor is a fashion faux pas, darling!" And I'm sitting there like, "Lady, it's a poem, not a runway show!" But seriously, I had this English teacher who was so strict about grammar that I'm convinced she dreams in MLA format. One day she caught me splitting an infinitive, and you would've thought I committed a felony. She looked at me with this disappointment, like I just kicked a puppy. I was like, "Relax, it's not like I ended a sentence with a preposition. Oh wait, I just did. Sorry, Mrs. English Fashionista!
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Can we talk about Shakespeare for a moment? I appreciate the dude's contribution to literature, but deciphering his language is like trying to read a text from your grandma who just discovered emojis. "To be or not to be, that is the question." I'm sitting there thinking, "Can you rephrase that in emojis, Will? I'm not fluent in 16th-century English." And why did Shakespeare have to invent so many words? I mean, we're struggling enough with the ones we have. I imagine his English class was like, "Alright, kids, today's lesson is inventing words. You in the back, give me something for 'love.' Good, now add a 'thine' to it. Perfect, now go use it in a sonnet.
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Who here survived the spelling bee in school? Clap if you're still scarred. I remember being in the spelling bee, and the English teacher would throw these words at us that sound like they're from an ancient alien language. I was standing there, sweating bullets, thinking, "Is this English or did I accidentally wander into a Klingon spelling bee?" And don't get me started on the pressure of using the word in a sentence. I once got the word 'floccinaucinihilipilification.' I had to use it in a sentence, and all I could come up with was, "The floccinaucinihilipilification of my chances of winning this spelling bee is quite high." The judges just stared at me like I was reciting an incantation.
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