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You guys ever have that neighbor, Eddie? Oh man, Eddie is the guy who thinks he's the king of the neighborhood. I mean, I thought we lived in a democracy, but apparently, we're all just subjects in Eddie's kingdom. The other day, I'm minding my own business, watering my plants, and Eddie comes over. He's like, "You know, you're using too much water. It's bad for the environment." I'm like, "Eddie, I'm just trying to keep my plants alive, not start a water war."
And then he starts lecturing me on climate change. I'm thinking, "Eddie, I'm not Bill Nye the Science Guy. I just want to enjoy my green grass without a guilt trip."
I finally had enough, so I told Eddie, "Look, if you're so concerned about the environment, maybe stop driving that gas-guzzler you call a car. It sounds like a lawnmower on steroids.
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You ever notice how some people think they have these superpowers? Well, Eddie's convinced he has the power of invisibility. I swear, I'll be waving at him from across the street, and he just looks right through me like I'm a ghost. One day, I decided to test it out. I dressed up in a full-on superhero costume, cape and all. I walk up to Eddie, strike a pose, and he doesn't even flinch. I'm like, "Eddie, I'm a superhero! How can you not see me?"
He looks at me and says, "Oh, I saw you. I just thought you were headed to a costume party. Didn't want to ruin your fun." Thanks, Eddie. Now I know my superhero dreams are crushed because of my neighbor's selective vision.
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Eddie fancies himself a gourmet chef. He's always trying out these exotic recipes, and I'm the unlucky neighbor he decides to share his culinary experiments with. Last week, he made this dish that he claimed was a fusion of Italian and Mexican cuisine. I take a bite, and I'm like, "Eddie, this tastes like a food fight between spaghetti and tacos. It's like an identity crisis on a plate."
But Eddie, being Eddie, he's proud of his creation. He says, "You just don't have a sophisticated palate." I'm sorry, Eddie, but if sophistication means confusing my taste buds, I'll stick to my peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, thank you very much.
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Now, Eddie is also a DIY enthusiast. He's always fixing things around the house, or at least attempting to. Last month, he decided to build a deck in his backyard. I'm watching from my window as he struggles with the hammer and nails. I go over to offer some help, and he's like, "No, I got this." Fast forward to a week later, and his deck looks like a game of Jenga gone wrong. It's leaning in three different directions. I asked him if he's building a deck or a rollercoaster.
Eddie's response? "It's a unique design. I call it the 'Eddie-coaster.' Gives you a thrill with every step." I told him I'll pass on the thrill and stick to solid ground, thank you very much.
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