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Delaney fancies herself as a DIY expert. She watches one tutorial, and suddenly she's convinced she can remodel her entire house with a glue gun and a dream. Last week, she tried to build a bookshelf, and let's just say, it's now a modern art installation titled "Bookshelf: The Leaning Tower of Delaney." I went over to help, and she handed me a hammer. I said, "Delaney, what am I supposed to do with this?" And she replied, "Oh, just hold it and look confident." So now, every time I walk past that bookshelf, I give it a confident nod, hoping it doesn't collapse.
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Delaney's dating life is like a rollercoaster. One day she's swiping right on every profile, and the next day she's deleting the app like it just insulted her mother. I asked her why the sudden change, and she said, "I matched with a guy who put pineapple on his pizza. I can't be with someone who has such questionable taste!" I told her she's being too picky, and she said, "I'd rather be single and have pizza my way." Now, she's in a committed relationship with pepperoni and mushrooms. Hey, at least it won't break her heart.
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You know, my friend Delaney is on this new diet, and it's so extreme. She says she's cutting out carbs, sugars, and anything that tastes good. I asked her, "Delaney, what's left for you to eat?" And she goes, "Oh, just kale and self-pity." I swear, I've never seen someone look so defeated by a salad. I tried to be supportive, though. I said, "Delaney, you can do it! Just think about the beach body you'll have." And she goes, "Yeah, but have you seen how much a gym membership costs?" So, now she's on the "window shopping for a beach body" plan.
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Delaney decided she needed to get in shape, so she joined a fitness class. The first day, she called me and said, "I can't feel my legs!" I asked, "Was it an intense workout?" And she said, "No, I fell asleep on the couch, and now my legs are numb." That's Delaney's idea of a leg day. She bought all this workout gear, expensive sneakers, and a fitness tracker. She showed me the tracker and said, "Look, it says I burned 300 calories today." I asked, "How?" And she replied, "I spent an hour deciding what workout to do and settled for a 10-minute YouTube video.
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