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Craft stores are like casinos for middle-aged women. You walk in, and there's a subtle hum of excitement in the air, like someone just hit the jackpot with a half-off coupon for floral arrangements. The variety of materials is overwhelming. I went to buy some thread and found myself surrounded by an entire wall of buttons. Buttons! I didn't know there were so many shapes and sizes. At this point, I just grab a handful and hope they match the socks I have at home.
And don't even get me started on the ribbon aisle. I didn't know there were so many types of ribbons. Satin, grosgrain, velvet — it's like trying to choose a wine without knowing anything about wine. Just give me the one with the prettiest label; I'll figure it out later.
Craft store receipts are like scrolls. You buy a glue stick and leave with a receipt that's longer than the Magna Carta. You're standing there, looking at the receipt, thinking, "Did I just finance a small country with this foam board and glitter?
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Craft stores are a maze, and I'm convinced they're designed by someone with a Ph.D. in confusion. I walk in thinking I need yarn for a simple scarf. Next thing I know, I'm knee-deep in the scrapbooking section, questioning the meaning of life. And let's talk about the variety of glues they have. I'm in the glue aisle staring at choices like it's a life-altering decision. There's super glue, extra strong glue, wood glue, fabric glue. I just need something to stick paper together; I don't need a NASA-level adhesive.
And what's the deal with glitter? Glitter is the herpes of the craft world. You touch it once, and suddenly, you're finding it everywhere for the next six months. It's the craft herpes! I opened a Christmas card last year, and now every document at my office sparkles.
Crafting also messes with your sense of time. You start a project thinking it'll take an hour, and suddenly it's 3 a.m., you're covered in paint, and your cat has a glittery coat. Time flies when you're crafting; your deadlines, not so much.
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You ever notice how the word "craft" has evolved? It used to be all about making macaroni art in kindergarten. Now, it's like if you don't have a personalized, hand-carved wooden coaster set for your artisanal, small-batch, organic soy latte, you're basically a peasant. And then there's the whole crafting movement. People are making their own soap, candles, and I don't know what else. I tried to join in, bought a DIY soap kit. It said "foolproof." Well, apparently, I'm a bigger fool than they planned for. My soap looks more like a geological experiment gone wrong. It's got layers; I could enter it into a science fair.
They say crafting is therapeutic. I don't know about you, but trying to thread a needle feels more like anger management than therapy. And don't even get me started on those intricate paint-by-number kits. By the time I figure out which color corresponds to which number, I've already painted the Mona Lisa upside down.
Crafting is supposed to be about expression, but for me, it's just a great way to express how uncoordinated and impatient I am. I'm convinced that somewhere out there, a glitter factory is run by demons. You can't escape that stuff!
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Crafting has a dark side, and it's called Pinterest. You go on there with good intentions, just looking for a simple DIY project. Next thing you know, you're attempting to recreate the Sistine Chapel with macaroni and glitter. Pinterest crafts always look amazing in the pictures, but my attempts end up looking like the "before" picture in a DIY fail compilation. I saw this tutorial on making your own furniture from pallets. I ended up with a coffee table that looks like it survived a bear attack.
And let's talk about those crafting blogs. They make it sound so easy. "Just grab some twine, a hot glue gun, and a dream." I grabbed all three and ended up with a Pinterest fail that even my dog won't go near.
So, next time someone hands you a homemade gift, just remember: it's not about the finished product; it's about the journey of hot glue burns, glitter explosions, and a brief existential crisis in the middle of the craft store. Cheers to the crafty chaos!
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