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Have you ever looked at a saint's resume? It's probably more impressive than mine. "Performed three miracles, fed thousands with just a loaf of bread, and successfully avoided the seven deadly sins." Meanwhile, I'm here struggling to parallel park. And you know how we have those inspirational LinkedIn quotes? Saints had their own version. "Turn water into wine, walk on water, and cured the common cold. #Blessed." I can barely cure my own boredom on a Sunday afternoon.
I imagine if saints had LinkedIn profiles, they'd be getting endorsements like crazy. Saint Patrick: "Skill endorsed for driving out snakes and mastering the art of green fashion." It's like a divine LinkedIn popularity contest.
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Catholics really have a saint for every occasion. It's like a heavenly Netflix, but instead of binge-watching, you're binge-praying. "Tonight on Saintflix: Saint Valentine's Day Special, followed by Saint Patrick's Day Extravaganza!" It's like they're the ultimate event planners up in heaven. And can we talk about the variety? You've got the heavy hitters like Saint Michael, the celestial bodyguard. Then you've got the unsung heroes like Saint Drogo, the patron saint of unattractive people. I didn't know that was a thing, but hey, thank you, Saint Drogo, for having our backs.
But I have to wonder, if there's a saint for everything, is there a saint for stand-up comedians? Saint Chucklebert, the guardian of laughter? If not, we might need to petition for one. I could use some divine inspiration.
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You ever notice how Catholics are so passionate about their saints? It's like they're the ultimate squad goals. But let's be real, being a saint must be a tough gig. I mean, they're like the original influencers, but instead of Instagram, they had miracles. Imagine trying to keep up with that kind of holy reputation. And Catholics, they've got a saint for everything. Need help finding your car keys? There's probably a Saint Anthony hotline. Want to do well in exams? Saint Thomas Aquinas, the heavenly tutor. It's like they have a celestial customer service department. "Press 1 for intercession, press 2 for divine guidance, and press 3 if you'd like to speak to a real-life angel."
But you know, I can't help but wonder if the saints ever get tired of all the prayer requests. Like, Saint Peter is up there manning the gates, and Saint Francis is dealing with requests to find lost pets. They've become the original multitaskers.
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You ever think about what would happen if saints had a talent show? Like a celestial showdown for the ultimate holy bragging rights. Saint Patrick doing river-dancing miracles, Saint Lucy lighting up the stage, and Saint Nicholas juggling presents. It would be the holiest talent show on Earth. And you know they'd have judges. Saint Peter would be there with his heavenly scorecards, and Mary would be the Simon Cowell of the celestial panel. "I'm sorry, Saint Christopher, but carrying people across rivers just doesn't have the wow factor it used to."
I can imagine the backstage drama too. Saint Teresa accusing Saint Francis of stealing her halo, and Saint Sebastian practicing his arrow-dodging routine. It would be the divine reality show we never knew we needed.
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