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Brands these days are like high-maintenance relationships. You commit to them, and suddenly they want all your attention. "Follow us on social media!" they say. I can barely commit to following my friends; now I'm supposed to follow my toothpaste?
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Have you ever looked at a product and thought, "Who comes up with these names?" I mean, who decided to call it a "blender" and not a "smoothie cyclone"? I would buy a smoothie cyclone; it sounds way more exciting.
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I love how every brand thinks they're the solution to all our problems. "Tired? Try our energy drink. Lonely? Our dating app will fix that. Existential crisis? We've got a brand for that too. It's called chocolate.
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The other day, I was at the store trying to decide between two brands of cereal. One had a picture of a happy family on it, and the other had a smiling cartoon character. I went with the cartoon character because at least he won't eat all my cereal.
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Brands love to use fancy terms to make their products sound high-tech. I bought a new blender that claimed to have "precision blending technology." I pressed the button, and it sounded like a tiny tornado in my kitchen. Precision, my blender, precision!
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Have you ever noticed how every time a new brand name comes out, they act like it's the greatest thing since sliced bread? I mean, I get it, but I don't remember being so excited about bread until they started putting it in a bag and calling it a brand.
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Brand loyalty is a real thing. I've been using the same brand of shampoo for years. Not because it's the best, but because I can't remember the name of any other brand when I'm in the shower. It's like my brain hits pause when water hits my head.
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I saw a commercial the other day for a new brand. They were like, "Experience the extraordinary!" I bought it, and you know what was so extraordinary? It tasted exactly like the old brand. I think they meant extraordinarily good at marketing.
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Why do they always name new products with words you can't pronounce? I feel like I'm casting spells in the grocery store. "Ah yes, the mystical quinoa-infused kale chips with a hint of acai berry. Wingardium Leviosa, please carry me to the snack aisle.
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