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Bert tried to haunt a horror movie set once. He thought it would be the perfect place to fit in, you know, with all the spooky vibes. Turns out, he scared the director so much they cast him as the lead. Now they're making "The Timid Ghost" - a horror film where the ghost is afraid of its own shadow. I asked Bert about it, and he goes, "Well, at least I'm getting positive reviews for my jump-scares. They're calling them 'gentle surprises.' I even got nominated for a 'Least Terrifying Ghost' award." Poor Bert, he's unintentionally becoming the poster child for friendly hauntings.
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You ever meet a ghost named Bert? Yeah, Bert, the overly cautious ghost. This guy is so afraid of scaring people that he's practically invisible. I'm like, "Bert, you're a ghost, not a ninja! You're supposed to be spooky!" I invited him to haunt my friend's house, and he's like, "Oh no, that might give them a mild surprise. What if they spill their coffee? What if they drop their phone?" I'm like, "Bert, you're a ghost, not a barista!"
I tried to teach him some ghostly tricks, you know, rattling chains, moving objects, the classic stuff. But Bert's like, "I don't want to cause any inconvenience. What if they're allergic to surprises?" I'm just waiting for the day he apologizes for going 'boo' too loudly.
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Bert decided to open a haunted house. I thought, finally, he's embracing his ghostly side. But the Yelp reviews are hilarious. "Visited Bert's Haunt last night. Ghost was too polite, offered me tea instead of spooking. Two stars." Another one says, "Bert's Haunt is more of a bed-and-breakfast than a haunted house. The ghost tucked me in and whispered, 'Sweet dreams.' Not exactly what I expected. One star for the comfy bed, though."
I told Bert, "You're running a haunted Airbnb, not a haunted house!" He just shrugged and said, "Well, at least it's a five-star experience.
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So, I found out Bert attends a support group for overly considerate ghosts. Can you imagine that? Ghosts sitting around, going, "Hi, I'm Bert, and I'm afraid of being too spooky." I went to one of their meetings, and it's like a therapy session for ghosts. Bert stands up and says, "Last night, I accidentally made a creaky noise, and now I can't sleep because I'm worried I disturbed the living." The other ghosts nod like, "Oh, Bert, we've all been there." I'm sitting there thinking, "I need to find this support group for my alarm clock; maybe it'll stop waking me up too early.
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