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Any fitness fanatics in the house tonight? Yeah, I see you with your protein shakes and kale smoothies. I tried to get into fitness once. Bought a gym membership. Went once. It was a cardio day, and I thought they meant "carbs-o" day, so I left. People at the gym are so serious. They have their headphones on, listening to heavy metal, lifting weights like they're auditioning for a Marvel movie. Meanwhile, I'm on the treadmill, listening to a podcast about unsolved mysteries, because I'm just trying to solve the mystery of why I'm at the gym in the first place.
And don't get me started on workout classes. I went to a yoga class thinking it would be all peaceful and zen. Turns out, "downward dog" is a lot less relaxing when the person next to you is grunting like they're in a tennis match.
But the worst is the fitness trackers. They're like personal trainers with a superiority complex. "You've only taken 3,000 steps today. Are you even trying?" I'm just trying to live my life without judgment from a wristwatch, thank you very much.
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Hey, everybody! So, I recently tried online dating. Yeah, I thought, "Why not? It's like shopping for a soulmate on Amazon, but with more emotional baggage." I swiped right so much; I started feeling like a human windshield wiper. You ever notice how people describe themselves online? It's like a game of creative writing. "I'm adventurous" means they once went zip-lining on vacation. "Foodie" means they've ordered takeout from more than one cuisine. And "looking for a partner in crime" just makes me wonder if we're robbing a bank or just sneaking into a movie.
And then there's the texting. Oh, the texting! We've got entire relationships developing over text. I can't tell if I'm in a budding romance or co-writing a novel. And the emojis! You can tell a lot about a person by their favorite emoji. If someone uses the laughing-crying face too much, I assume they're either hilarious or emotionally unstable. It's a fine line.
I once had a date who exclusively communicated in GIFs. I felt like I was in a silent movie, and I didn't even get to choose my own character. I'm just there like, "Am I the clown or the damsel in distress?"
It's like, we've gone from love letters to love tweets. "Roses are red, violets are blue, please keep this under 280 characters because I have commitment issues.
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So, social media. We're all on it, right? I mean, I spend so much time scrolling through other people's lives; I feel like a part-time private investigator. And the pressure to be perfect online is real. People only post the highlight reel of their lives. Meanwhile, my life is more of a blooper reel. I'm just waiting for someone to create an app where we can share our most embarrassing moments. "Just tripped over my own shoelaces again, #ClumsyLife."
And then there's the fear of missing out, FOMO. It's a real thing. You see your friends having brunch without you, and suddenly you're questioning your entire existence. "Why wasn't I invited to brunch? Am I not brunch-worthy? What do they have against my omelettes?"
And let's not forget about the influencers. They're like modern-day philosophers, sharing wisdom like, "The early bird gets the worm." I'm more of a "The early bird needs at least three cups of coffee before it can function" kind of person.
And the filters! We've gone from "pics or it didn't happen" to "pics, but only if I look flawless." I tried one of those beauty filters once. I looked like a digital version of myself if I had been raised by Disney princesses.
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Let's talk about office politics, shall we? I work in an office, and it's like being in a real-life episode of "Survivor." There's alliances, backstabbing, and I'm just trying to avoid getting voted off the island, aka the break room. Have you noticed how people in the office use email? It's like they're writing a legal document. "Dear Sir or Madam, I hope this email finds you well." I'm like, "Just tell me you need more printer paper, Karen!"
And then there's the never-ending meetings. We spend so much time in meetings; I'm convinced some people schedule them just to avoid doing actual work. "Let's have a meeting to discuss why we're not getting any work done." Brilliant.
And don't get me started on office jargon. "Let's touch base offline to brainstorm some synergy and circle back with a game plan." I'm like, "How about we touch base on not using so much jargon, and circle back to just doing our jobs?
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