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Let's talk about relationships. You know you've been with someone for a while when your observations about them become a bit too detailed. My girlfriend observed that I leave the toothpaste cap off. I observed that she hogs the blanket like it's the last blanket on Earth. But it's the little things, right? Like when you live together, you start noticing the quirks. "Why do you observe the need to organize the fridge by color, babe?" And then there's the infamous toilet paper debate. Some people observe it should go over, others under. I say, as long as it's there when I need it, I don't care if it's doing somersaults.
And don't get me started on the toothpaste. I observed that there are two types of people in this world: those who squeeze from the middle and those who squeeze from the end. It's a relationship deal-breaker, folks. I don't care how much you love someone; if they're a middle-squeezer, it's time to reassess.
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Who here goes to the gym? Yeah, I see you all observing those resolutions. We've all been there, right? You walk into the gym, and suddenly you're in a sea of spandex and confusion. I'm just trying to find a treadmill that doesn't judge me. And have you ever observed those gym enthusiasts who treat the place like it's their personal stage? They're lifting weights, grunting like they're in a superhero movie. Meanwhile, I'm struggling to lift the remote control at home. "Is Netflix considered cardio?"
But the real observations happen in the locker room. It's like a social experiment in there. People walking around like they're auditioning for a bodybuilding competition. I'm just trying to find my socks, and I feel like I stumbled into a Flex Off. Note to self: don't observe your reflection in the mirror too long; you might catch something you don't want to see.
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Let's talk about technology. It's amazing how quickly it's advanced, right? I mean, my phone can recognize my face, but it still can't autocorrect "ducking" to the other word I'm trying to type. And what's the deal with autocorrect anyway? It's like my phone is playing a constant game of "Guess what I meant." I send a text saying, "I'll be there in a sec," and it turns into "I'll be there in a sack." Really, phone? Do I look like Santa?
And then there's predictive texting. I start typing, "I love," and my phone suggests "pizza." It's like, "Well played, phone, but I was going for something a bit more sentimental. Thanks for reminding me that my true love is in the freezer."
But the best part is when technology gets a little too observant. My fitness tracker beeps, telling me I need to stand up. I'm like, "Listen, I appreciate the concern, but I'm in the middle of a Netflix marathon. Do you mind?
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You ever notice how we're bombarded with so many observations nowadays? I mean, everyone's got an opinion on everything, like it's a buffet of judgments. You can't even enjoy a salad without someone critiquing your choice of dressing. "Oh, you're a balsamic person? Interesting." And then there's social media. I swear, my newsfeed is like a constant stream of observations. "Karen observed a sunset. John observed a cat doing yoga. And apparently, Dave observed that his sandwich looked like the face of Elvis. I'm just trying to observe a good meme, folks!"
It's gotten so bad that I've started observing people observing things. It's like observation-ception. I see someone taking a photo of their food, and I'm thinking, "Is this what we've come to? Documenting our meals like we're food historians? 'Ah, yes, this was the great Pizza Margherita of 2023.'"
Maybe we should start a support group for the over-observed. "Hi, I'm Dave, and I haven't observed anything for a whole week." "Hi, Dave!
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