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Ladies and gentlemen, have you ever had a job where everything is just a little too NSFW? I used to work in an office like that. I mean, we had an HR department, but I'm pretty sure they thought NSFW stood for "Not Suitable For Working." One day, I walked into the break room, and there was a sign that said, "Caution: Hot Coffee." I thought, "Well, duh, it's coffee, not a lukewarm hug." But then, someone added underneath, "Just like Karen from accounting." I didn't know whether to laugh or file a complaint.
And don't even get me started on the company email system. You know you're in an NSFW office when the IT guy sends out a memo saying, "Please stop using the company email for your Tinder dates." I mean, how else are we supposed to find love in the digital age?
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Let me tell you about parenting in the age of smartphones. My kid asked me the other day, "Dad, what does NSFW mean?" Now, I'm not one to shy away from the tough questions, so I said, "Not Suitable For Womb." But seriously, parenting has become a minefield of NSFW moments. You try to watch a movie with your kid, and suddenly there's a scene that makes you wish you had the power to control time. "Uh, honey, let's fast forward to the part where they're all eating ice cream and talking about their feelings."
And don't even get me started on those parenting forums. You ask a simple question like, "How do you potty train a toddler?" and suddenly you're bombarded with advice that's definitely not safe for work. I just wanted to know about potty training, not start an episode of Game of Thrones in my living room!
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I recently got a new GPS system, and apparently, it's programmed with a sense of humor. I type in my destination, and it says, "Turn left in 500 feet, unless you're into some weird stuff, then turn right – you do you." I didn't know my GPS was a stand-up comedian! But here's the thing, it has this NSFW mode. I didn't even know GPS systems had a mode like that! So, I turn it on, and suddenly, it starts giving me directions like, "In 0.1 miles, you'll reach your destination. But if you're feeling adventurous, there's a scenic route that involves a bumpy road and some questionable decisions."
I'm just waiting for the day it says, "You've arrived! Now, go conquer the world, you magnificent GPS warrior!
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You know the holidays are approaching when even the decorations are NSFW. I walked into a store, and they had this Christmas ornament that said, "Jingle My Bells." I mean, come on! I'm just trying to spread holiday cheer, not get put on the naughty list. And then there's the office holiday party. It's like a minefield of inappropriate jokes and awkward encounters. I went to grab some eggnog, and my boss walks up to me and says, "You know, this party is NSFW." I thought he meant "Not Safe For Work," but no, he meant "Now Start Flirting, Wally." I just wanted to enjoy my holiday snacks, not get a promotion through mistletoe diplomacy!
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