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You ever notice how medical terms sound like they're part of some secret language only doctors and aliens understand? I mean, I went to the doctor the other day, and he starts throwing around words like "gastroenteritis" and "otorhinolaryngology." I felt like I stumbled into a spelling bee in another dimension. I swear, every medical term sounds like a rejected Harry Potter spell. "Expecto Diagnosia!" Next thing you know, they're telling you that you have a condition with a name longer than the entire Harry Potter series.
And what's with those Latin roots? I mean, I took Latin in high school, but I don't remember the chapter where we learned how to diagnose someone with "pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis." Is that a medical condition or a magic incantation to summon a long-winded demon?
Seems like doctors just like to flex their vocabulary. I imagine them in medical school, having competitions like, "Who can come up with the most syllables in a disease today?" I bet they're all secretly disappointed when a patient comes in with something simple, like a cold. "Ah, just a cold? I was ready to use my newly invented term for 'your nose is running.'
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Let's talk about waiting rooms at the doctor's office. Why do they always have the most outdated magazines known to mankind? I swear, I saw a magazine from 2003 last time I was there. I felt like I was in a time machine, and not the cool kind that takes you to the future with flying cars and hoverboards. And the waiting room music! It's like they hired a DJ from a department store in the '90s. You're sitting there, nervously awaiting your fate, and the soundtrack is something like "Smooth Jazz: Elevator Edition." I half expect the doctor to walk in wearing a turtleneck and carrying a saxophone.
But my favorite part is the awkward eye contact with other people in the waiting room. You exchange that knowing glance, like, "We're all in this together, stuck in a room with outdated magazines and the smooth sounds of elevator jazz." It's like a silent support group for people who just want to get out of there with their dignity intact.
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Raise your hand if you've ever fallen down the WebMD rabbit hole! I swear, it's like entering a dark alley of doom where every sniffle leads to a rare tropical disease. I went on there the other day, convinced I had a simple headache, and suddenly I'm reading about a rare condition found only in Himalayan mountain goats. And the worst part is, by the time you're done self-diagnosing, you've convinced yourself you have three months to live. I went to the doctor all panicked, listing off symptoms like I was reading a grocery list. The doctor just looked at me and said, "You probably just need some rest and maybe cut back on the internet."
But seriously, WebMD makes you question everything. You think you have a hangnail, and suddenly you're planning your own funeral. "Cause of death: according to WebMD, too much clicking.
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Let's talk about prescriptions. They come with these names that are more confusing than a GPS with a vendetta. I got a prescription the other day, and the pharmacist mumbled something that sounded like a spell from a fantasy novel. I was half-expecting to suddenly sprout wings and fly out of there. And the side effects! Have you ever listened to the side effects on those commercials? It's like, "This medication may help your allergies, but side effects may include spontaneous breakdancing, the ability to speak dolphin, and an irrational fear of garden gnomes."
I mean, they spend more time telling you what could go wrong than what the actual medicine does. It's like, "Take this for your headache, but just a heads up, you might also start speaking in rhymes or attract a following of llamas.
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