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Ever have those moments when someone tells you, "You're looking good," and you're thinking, "Is this some kind of sick joke?" I mean, my mirror at home tells a different story. It's like, "Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?" And the mirror is like, "Certainly not you, buddy." My mirror is brutally honest. It's like a motivational speaker for humility. Every morning, I look in the mirror, and it's like, "Today is a new day to lower your expectations." I'm just waiting for it to start offering me sympathy cards.
But seriously, mirrors are deceptive. They should come with disclaimers: "Objects in the mirror are uglier than they appear." Maybe I'll start a petition for that. Who's with me?
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You ever notice how compliments can sometimes feel like a secret society initiation? "You're looking good" is like the secret handshake they give you before ushering you into the realm of people who apparently have their lives together. I mean, are there compliment guidelines that I missed? Like, do I need to reciprocate with a specific number of compliments per week to maintain my membership? Because if so, I'm in trouble. I've been running a compliment deficit for years.
And who decided that compliments always have to be about appearance? I want someone to compliment my ability to parallel park or my talent for finding the remote control in under five minutes. Now that's a compliment I can get behind.
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So, I got a "looking good" the other day, and I thought, "Finally, someone appreciates my fashion sense." But then I realized they were probably just trying to be polite because my outfit resembled a confusing mix of laundry day and a midlife crisis. I mean, fashion is a battlefield. One day you're in, and the next day you're out, as Heidi Klum would say. But I feel like I'm never in. I'm perpetually stuck in the "What was I thinking?" phase of my fashion evolution.
And don't get me started on those fashion police shows. I swear, they'd have a field day with my wardrobe. "Breaking news: Local man spotted wearing socks with sandals. The horror!" I mean, who decided socks and sandals were a fashion crime? Maybe my toes just need a little extra warmth and support.
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You know, someone told me the other day, "Hey, you're looking good!" And I thought, "Wow, finally my efforts are paying off." But then I realized, they could've just meant that I didn't trip over my own feet for once. I mean, what does "looking good" even mean? Are they grading me on a curve? Like, if I usually look like a hot mess, today I just managed to scrape by with a solid C+ in the appearance department?
And don't you hate it when someone says you're looking good, but it's followed by a "for your age" comment? Like, what am I, a fine wine? "Oh, you're looking good for someone who remembers the era before smartphones." Well, thanks for making me feel ancient.
So, next time someone says I'm looking good, I'm just going to reply with, "Well, I'm trying my best to maintain this level of mediocre attractiveness, thank you very much.
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