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Being a linguist means I'm practically a professional at miscommunication. It's like my superpower. I can say one thing and have it interpreted in ten different ways. It's a skill, really. Once, I was giving a presentation, and I said, "Let's break the ice." So, naturally, I brought in a chainsaw and started cutting a block of ice. People were staring at me like I was auditioning for a horror movie. I just wanted to lighten the mood!
And texting? Don't get me started. Autocorrect has turned me into a linguistic contortionist. I'll send a message like, "I'll be there in a sec," and autocorrect changes it to, "I'll be there in a sack." Now I'm not just late; I'm fashionably late, arriving in a potato sack.
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Dating as a linguist is a unique experience. You know you're in deep when you start analyzing your partner's text messages like they're an ancient manuscript. I once dated someone who used too many emojis. I couldn't take it anymore, so I said, "We need to talk." They replied with three crying emojis and a thumbs-up. I was like, "Is this Morse code for 'I'm breaking up with you'?"
And pet names? Oh boy. My ex used to call me "Snuggle Muffin." I'm not even sure what a Snuggle Muffin is, but it sounds like something you find in the bakery section of a teddy bear store. Needless to say, that relationship crumbled faster than a poorly constructed grammatical sentence.
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You ever meet those people who think being a linguist is just about speaking a bunch of languages? I mean, sure, I can ask for the bathroom in five different ways, but that doesn't mean I'm a walking Rosetta Stone. I was at this party once, and someone found out I'm a linguist. They got all excited and asked me to say something in a rare language. So, I looked them dead in the eyes and said, "I can't find my keys." They were so disappointed, like I was supposed to summon a linguistic unicorn or something.
I'm not a human dictionary, okay? You won't find me casually reciting Shakespeare in Old English while ordering a latte. But hey, if you need to know how to say "Where's the nearest pizza place?" in Swahili, I got you covered.
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As a linguist, people expect me to be the grammar police. And let me tell you, I've embraced that role like a superhero with a red pen. I can't help it; it's in my linguistic DNA. I was at a restaurant the other day, and the menu had a typo. I couldn't resist. I called the waiter over and said, "Excuse me, there's a spelling mistake on the menu." The poor guy looked terrified, like I was about to give him a citation for linguistic negligence.
But let me tell you, being the grammar police has its perks. I corrected my friend's resume once, and now they're the CEO of a company. Coincidence? I think not.
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