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Did you hear about the Mormon comedian? He always leaves the crowd in stitches, and not just his garments!
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Why did the LDS computer stop working during the lesson? It couldn't process all the 'doctrine and covenants'!
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Why did the LDS gardener always attend sacrament meeting? He wanted to 'nourish and strengthen' his plants!
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Why did the LDS missionary bring a ladder to the sermon? To reach the higher principles!
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Why did the LDS family bring a pencil to church? In case they needed to take 'note' of the spirit!
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Why don't Mormons go to the gym? They get enough steps in their daily walks!
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I told my friend I'm learning about Mormon history. He said, 'You mean you're 'Latter'-ly interested?
Holy Underwear and The Sacred Socks
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You know you're in a Mormon neighborhood when even the laundry has religious significance. I went to do my laundry, and there's a guy folding his garments like he's handling the Shroud of Turin. I'm over here folding my socks, and he's folding his sacred socks – like, dude, they're socks, not the Ark of the Covenant. I feel like I need to confess to my underwear every time I put it on.
Mormon Potluck Roulette
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You ever been to a Mormon potluck? It's like a culinary game of Russian roulette. You don't know if you're gonna get the best Jell-O salad of your life or if Sister Smith's mystery casserole is going to send you straight to the ER. The secret ingredient is faith – faith that your stomach can handle whatever surprise dish is waiting for you.
Temple Garments: The Original Shapewear
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I heard Mormons refer to their temple garments as sacred clothing. I'm thinking, That's just the original version of shapewear, right? Forget about Spanx; we've got sacred spandex. It's like the divine control top, ensuring that your salvation is snug and secure.
Joseph Smith: The Original Visionary Entrepreneur
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Joseph Smith, the founder of Mormonism, had a vision of golden plates and angelic visitations. I can barely find my car keys in the morning, and this guy is having divine GPS moments. He's like the original entrepreneur – instead of a startup in a garage, he had a revelation in a forest. I bet he'd have aced Shark Tank with his celestial business plan.
Mormon Polygamy: The Ultimate Relationship Status
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Mormon history has its fair share of polygamy. I can barely handle one relationship status on Facebook, and they're out here managing multiple marriages. It's like they're playing relationship Jenga, and I'm over here struggling not to knock over the one precarious block of my relationship status.
Book of Mormon vs. Netflix
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I tried reading the Book of Mormon once. It's like the original binge-watch series, but instead of a weekend, it takes a couple of years to finish. I was halfway through, and I thought, Man, I wish there was a spoiler review on this thing. Also, where are the subtitles? Can we get a little Mormon with English captions action?
LDS Speed Dating: Eternal Edition
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Mormons believe in eternal marriage, which means they've essentially turned speed dating into an eternity commitment. It's like, Hi, nice to meet you. Will you be my eternal Netflix-watching companion, and by the way, do you snore in the afterlife?
LDS: The Real Fantasy Football
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You know, Mormons are into genealogy like it's the real-life version of fantasy football. They're like, I've got a great-granduncle twice removed who played for the Pioneers. He had a killer covered wagon spin move. Forget about drafting players; they're drafting ancestors for the afterlife league.
Bicycle Evangelism Olympics
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Mormon missionaries are like the Olympians of bicycle evangelism. They're out there, pedaling through rain, sleet, and snow, trying to convert you while doing a Tour de Jesus. I tried talking to one, and he handed me a pamphlet with a smile that said, I'm not just here to save your soul; I'm here to break the land-speed record for spreading the good word.
Sacrament Meeting or TED Talk?
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I went to a Mormon sacrament meeting recently, and it felt like I stumbled into a motivational speaker's convention. People are standing up, sharing their life-changing stories, and I'm thinking, Is this a church or an audition for 'Mormon's Got Talent'? I was waiting for someone to break out into a tap dance routine about the virtues of self-discipline.
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