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So, these days, kids are like little Cupids, spreading love and joy. But let's be real, they're also spreading germs and glitter. You ever try to get glitter out of your carpet? It's like trying to remove a tattoo of Mariah Carey's face from your forehead – nearly impossible. And what's the deal with those DIY Valentine's Day crafts they bring home from school? It's like a Pinterest project gone wrong. My kid hands me this heart-shaped collage with more glue than paper, and I'm supposed to act like it's a masterpiece. I'm like, "Thanks for the modern art installation, Picasso Jr."
And don't get me started on the heart-shaped cookies they insist on baking. They look more like anatomically incorrect organs than symbols of love. I gave one to my neighbor, and they asked if I was in medical school.
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You know, Valentine's Day candy is a mysterious thing. I mean, who decided that chalky, heart-shaped candies with questionable messages were the ideal expression of love? "Be Mine" sounds more like a possessive demand than a sweet sentiment. And those candy hearts with the messages – they need to update those for the 21st century. "Fax Me" and "Beep Me" are not exactly phrases that scream romance anymore. I want a candy heart that says, "Netflix and Chill" or "Wi-Fi Forever."
But let's not forget about the heart-shaped boxes of chocolates. You open one of those, and it's like playing chocolate roulette. Is it caramel, nougat, or some mystery flavor that tastes like regret? I want a map inside that box – "Here be nuts, beware of coconut, and approach the caramel with caution.
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You know, Valentine's Day is that one day of the year where love is in the air, and apparently, so are kid-sized arrows. I mean, seriously, who thought it was a good idea to give Cupid a day job at an elementary school? I was at the store the other day, trying to pick out a romantic card for my wife, and I found myself in the "Kids' Valentine's Day" section. Now, I didn't know this was a thing, but apparently, there's a whole industry dedicated to turning innocent children into tiny, love-struck matchmakers.
I'm browsing through these cards, and they're all like, "You're the peanut butter to my jelly" or "You're as sweet as a lollipop." I don't know about you, but when I was a kid, my idea of romance was sharing my fruit snacks, not comparing someone to a condiment!
And then there are those tiny Valentine's cards you used to exchange in school. You'd spend hours carefully choosing the right one for your crush, only to get a generic "Be Mine" card from someone who probably didn't even know your last name.
I can imagine these kids in the future, telling their grandkids, "Back in my day, we didn't slide into DMs; we slid tiny cards into decorated shoeboxes!
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I recently found out that my kid got cast as Cupid in the school play. Now, I'm no stage parent, but I can't help but wonder how they'll pull off a play about love with a bunch of second graders. I imagine it's less Shakespearean drama and more like a chaotic game of freeze tag. And let's talk about the costume – a tiny cherub outfit. My kid is not exactly thrilled about wearing a diaper and wings in front of the entire school. I told them it's character building; they say it's embarrassing. Tomato, tomahto.
I can already see it: Cupid takes the stage, shoots an arrow, and then gets distracted by a butterfly or starts picking their nose. It's like the world's tiniest love assassin with the attention span of a goldfish.
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