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You know, kids these days have it too easy. I mean, when I was a kid, the only touchscreen I had was the TV screen when I couldn't find the remote. Now, they've got tablets, smartphones, smartwatches—heck, I wouldn't be surprised if they started inventing smart diapers. "Oops, it's time for a change. Siri, can you handle that?" And what's with all these educational apps? When I was a kid, the only educational app I had was trying to calculate how much candy I could buy with my lunch money without my mom noticing. Seems like every toddler these days is a tech prodigy. My friend's three-year-old can unlock an iPhone, order pizza, and change the TV channel without even looking up from his juice box. When I was three, my biggest accomplishment was successfully tying my shoes. Well, I say tying, but it was more like a tangled mess that resembled a failed art project.
And don't get me started on homework. Kids today complain about homework being too hard. Back in my day, homework was hard because you actually had to write stuff down with a pencil. None of this "Ctrl+C, Ctrl+V" business. My eraser was my best friend, and together we faced the endless battle of math problems and spelling tests.
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You've all seen those office supply commercials with the "Easy" button, right? Well, kids have their own version—it's called the "I Want It Now" button. They press it, and suddenly, they expect the world to bend to their desires. Back in my day, we didn't have an easy button. We had a "Figure It Out" button. Kids today want everything handed to them on a silver platter. "I want a snack." Boom, there's a snack. "I want a ride." Boom, there's an Uber. "I want a million dollars." Sorry, kid, the "Easy" button doesn't work at the bank.
I asked my niece to do the dishes the other day, and she looked at me like I'd asked her to solve a complex mathematical equation. "Can't we just hire a robot to do it?" she said. A robot! When I was her age, I was the family's unpaid robot. If I wanted an allowance, I had to earn it, not just press a button and expect money to magically appear in my piggy bank.
Kids and their "Easy" buttons. I tell you, if life had an "Easy" button, it would probably just be a decoy that laughed at your struggles. "You thought life was easy? Haha, nice try!
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You ever notice how kids these days live on Easy Street? I took my nephew to a playground, and I couldn't believe the cushy, rubberized ground they have now. When I was a kid, we had gravel. Gravel! You'd slip off the monkey bars, and it was like doing a faceplant on a rock concert floor. We had a saying back then: "If you can walk away without a bloody knee, you didn't play hard enough." And what's with all these participation trophies? I never got a participation trophy. You know what I got for participating? A sunburn from being outside all day. Now, every kid gets a trophy just for showing up. "Congratulations, you successfully stood on the soccer field for an hour. Here's your shiny piece of plastic."
I tried explaining this to my niece, and she looked at me like I was from another planet. "Back in my day" stories are useless with these kids. They're too busy with their organic, gluten-free snacks and their eco-friendly backpacks. When I was a kid, we didn't even know what gluten was. Gluten was just that mysterious substance that made bread taste good.
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Remember the Easy-Bake Oven? That was the pinnacle of culinary technology when I was a kid. You'd mix up some powder, wait for an eternity while the light bulb slowly baked your pathetic excuse for a cake, and then you'd pretend it tasted delicious. Now, kids have instant everything. Instant messaging, instant noodles, instant tantrums when they don't get what they want. Kids these days don't know the struggle of waiting. I tried giving my nephew an Easy-Bake Oven for his birthday, and he just stared at it like it was a relic from the Stone Age. "Where's the app for this?" he asked. I said, "The app is called patience, my friend. You mix it with anticipation, and eventually, you'll have a mediocre brownie.
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