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Why did the parent bring a ladder to the bar? Because they heard the drinks were on the house!
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Why did the parent cell phone ground its teenager? Because it was on airplane mode!
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Why did the parent tomato turn to the baby tomato during a family walk? 'Ketchup!
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Why did the parent broom ask the baby broom to go to bed? Because it was sweepy time!
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Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!
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Parenting is like being a DJ at a nightclub, except instead of playing music, you're just trying to keep the tantrums from hitting the dance floor.
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I asked my kid what they wanted to be when they grow up, and they said 'boss.' I should've clarified - I meant in a job, not in the house. Now I'm taking orders from a toddler who thinks juice boxes are the currency of the future.
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Kids are like tiny comedians. They say the darndest things, and as a parent, you just have to pretend it's the most profound stand-up routine you've ever heard. 'Why did the chicken cross the road?' I don't know, kid, why did it? Enlighten me.
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Parenting is all about negotiation. My kid wanted a pony, so I compromised and bought them a rocking horse. Now I just need to figure out how to feed it and clean up after it.
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Parenthood is a constant battle between wanting your kids to be independent and dreading the day they actually are. 'Mom, I can do it myself!' they say as they struggle to put their shoes on the wrong feet. Independence at its finest.
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Parenting is like trying to fold a fitted sheet. You have no idea what you're doing, it's frustrating as heck, and at the end of the day, it never looks as good as you hoped. But hey, at least we're all in this together – struggling with the fitted sheets of life.
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Parent-teacher conferences are like performance reviews for parents. 'Your child talks too much in class.' Well, they come by it honestly – have you met their mother?
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I tried teaching my kid about money. Gave them a dollar and said, 'You can either save it or spend it wisely.' They came back with a bag full of candy. Well, at least they're investing in their future cavities.
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Parenting is a crash course in biology. I never knew I could identify so many different types of boogers until I had kids. It's like a nose-picking Olympics at my house, and I'm the judge with a box of tissues.
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