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You ever notice how hillbillies are like the MacGyvers of the countryside? I mean, these folks can fix anything with duct tape and a can of beans. I went to visit my hillbilly friend the other day, and his car had more parts from a lawnmower than the actual manufacturer. I asked him, "What's the secret to your mechanical genius?" He said, "Well, if it can cut grass, it can surely get me to Walmart!
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I tried hillbilly cuisine for the first time, and let me tell you, they have a unique way of naming dishes. I asked my friend's grandma, "What's this?" She goes, "Oh, that's vittles." I said, "Vittles? What's in it?" She replied, "Well, it's a secret family recipe. Mostly squirrel, some corn, and a dash of mud for flavor." I felt like I was on an episode of "Fear Factor: Hillbilly Edition.
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You know you're in hillbilly country when the GPS says, "Turn left at the big oak tree, go past the scarecrow with the denim overalls, and if you hit the moonshine still, you've gone too far." I'm just sitting there thinking, "Is there a Google Maps for the woods?" I half-expected it to say, "In 500 feet, bear right at the talking raccoon.
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I was watching this hillbilly family having a reunion, and I swear, they've turned everything into a competition. They had a race to the outhouse, a tractor-pulling contest, and even a banjo-playing showdown. I asked one of them, "What's with all the competitions?" He looked at me dead serious and said, "Well, if it ain't a competition, it ain't worth doing. Even our family photos have winners and losers.
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