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My bed and I have a special relationship. It always calls my name when I'm supposed to be doing something else. It's the most persuasive piece of furniture I own.
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The grocery store is the only place where you can spend $100 and feel like you bought nothing. It's like, "I only got two bags of stuff, but I swear it's essential adulting material!
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The real secret to adulting is pretending to understand what's going on. I nod along in meetings like I'm decoding the secrets of the universe, but in reality, I'm just thinking about what to have for lunch.
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Why is it that the most comfortable position to watch TV is also the least productive? I call it the "I'll just sit down for a minute, oh wait, the whole season is over" position.
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I don't trust people who claim to enjoy assembling furniture. It's like, are you a wizard? Because the last time I tried, the chair ended up looking like a modern art interpretation of a seat.
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Ever notice how getting ready to go out is a lot like preparing for battle? You have your armor (nice clothes), your weapons (keys, wallet, phone), and a battle cry (screaming at your kids to hurry up).
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You know you're an adult when you get excited about a new sponge for the kitchen. It's like, "Wow, this one has a scrubbing side and a gentle side!" It's the little things, folks.
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My phone has become an expert at playing hide and seek. I'll spend half my day looking for it, and then it turns out it's been chilling in my pocket the whole time. Clearly, it's trying to keep me on my toes.
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The gym is the only place where people look at themselves in the mirror more than they look at their phones. It's like we're all flexing our biceps and our selfie game simultaneously.
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