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You ever notice how when someone tells you to "go somewhere," it's like they've handed you a treasure map without the "X marks the spot"? I mean, seriously, it's the vaguest direction ever. "Go somewhere"? Really? That's like telling a dog to chase "something." So, I tried it. I went somewhere. I ended up at the supermarket. I walked around like a lost soul, pushing my cart with a look of confusion. People must've thought I was on some deep, philosophical quest in the cereal aisle. "Is the meaning of life hidden behind the cornflakes?" But hey, at least I found somewhere to buy snacks.
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I decided to spice things up and go somewhere I've never been. I ended up in a trendy, overhyped restaurant. You know the kind where the menu is written in a language that requires a degree in culinary arts to understand? The waiter explained the dishes like he was reciting Shakespeare. "And here, sir, we have a gastronomic symphony of deconstructed avocado on artisanal toast." I just wanted a burger. "Can I go somewhere else? Like, a drive-thru?
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You know, GPS is like the modern-day version of "go somewhere." It tells you to turn left, turn right, go straight, and then it says, "You have arrived." But where? The destination is always so anticlimactic. "You have arrived at your destination." Oh, great, thanks for letting me know I'm at the corner of Existential Crisis Avenue and Lost Street. I decided to challenge my GPS once. I said, "Take me somewhere magical." It responded with, "Calculating route to the nearest unicorn stable." Turns out, the nearest unicorn stable was a petting zoo, and the only magical thing was how they convinced me to pay $10 to feed goats.
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So, I asked my friend for advice on where to go when someone says, "go somewhere." He goes, "Just follow your heart." Great, now I'm standing in the middle of a hardware store trying to strike up a conversation with a hammer. And don't get me started on asking Siri. I said, "Siri, take me somewhere special." Siri replied, "Did you mean the nearest gas station?" Yeah, Siri, because nothing says romance like the smell of gasoline.
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