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Why did the pencil refuse to write? It had too many 'drawbacks' and wanted to erase any responsibility for mistakes!
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Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing and realized it forgot to bring an excuse to the party!
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Why did the skeleton break up with his girlfriend? He couldn't handle her 'bare-bone' excuses!
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Why don't excuses ever win in a race? Because they always take too long to get started!
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Why did the computer apply for leave? It had a bad case of 'bytes and couldn't process any more work excuses!
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What did the excuse say to the deadline? 'Don't worry, I'll be fashionably late!
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Why did the scarecrow get promoted? Because he was outstanding in his field of making excuses!
Excuses: The Olympic Sport of Adulthood
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Excuses should be an Olympic sport. I mean, some people have trained their whole lives for this. My neighbor told me he couldn't mow the lawn because he's allergic to grass. I didn't know that was a thing. I'm thinking, maybe I can't do the dishes because I'm allergic to dish soap. It's a medical condition; I swear.
Excuses: The Superpower of Procrastination
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Excuses are the superpower of procrastination. My friend said he couldn't start his diet until Monday because it's bad luck to begin on any other day. I'm like, Dude, it's not superstition; it's snackstitution. I'm thinking of using that excuse for everything. I can't clean the house; it's bad luck on a Tuesday.
Excuses: The Jedi Mind Trick of Laziness
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Excuses are like the Jedi mind trick of laziness. My co-worker told me he couldn't finish his report because the Wi-Fi signal was weak. I'm like, Dude, the Force may be strong with you, but your work ethic is on the dark side. Maybe we should have a workplace Olympics for the most creative excuse. I'd win gold for convincing my boss that my dog ate my presentation. It was a virtual presentation.
Excuses: The GPS of Avoidance
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Excuses are like the GPS of avoidance. My date told me she couldn't make it because her horoscope said she should avoid social interactions. I didn't know the stars were running her social calendar. Maybe next time, I'll blame Mercury retrograde for not doing my taxes. It's a universal excuse.
Excuses, the Secret Sauce of Adulting
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Excuses are like the secret sauce of adulting. My friend told me he couldn't pay me back because he's on a strict diet, a financial diet. I'm like, Dude, you're not saving money, you're just marinating in excuses. I think I'm going to start a financial advice column and just call it Excuses Anonymous. You send me your excuse, and I'll find a way to turn it into a budgeting tip.
Excuse Me, I'm in a Relationship with My Couch
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I have a friend who's in a serious relationship with his couch. He told me he couldn't go out because he's committed to Netflix. I'm like, Dude, that's not a relationship; that's a subscription. I think he's planning to propose to his remote control. I can see it now: a romantic comedy called Love at First Channel Surf.
Excuses: The Get-Out-of-Jail-Free Card of Chores
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Excuses are like the get-out-of-jail-free card of chores. My roommate told me he couldn't do the dishes because he's preserving water for the environment. I'm like, Dude, it's not conservation; it's a dishwashing rebellion. Next time, I'm going to tell my landlord I can't pay rent because I'm investing in air, and we all need to breathe, right?
Excuse Me, I'm on a 'No Adulting' Diet
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I've started a new diet. It's called the No Adulting diet. You just avoid responsibilities, and the pounds of stress will melt away. My doctor wasn't too thrilled with the idea, but hey, it's all about mental well-being. I told him I couldn't exercise because my gym membership expired, and renewing it would be a financial burden. See, it's a holistic approach.
Excuse Me, I'm in a Committed Relationship with My Bed
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I have a friend who's in a committed relationship with his bed. He said he couldn't come to the party because he's monogamous with his mattress. I'm thinking, maybe I should give my pillow a pet name and see if it reciprocates. Excuse me, I'm busy cuddling with Fluffington tonight. That should do the trick.
Excuse Me, I Have a PhD in Excuses
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You ever meet those people who have a PhD in excuses? Like, they could write a dissertation on why they can't make it to the gym or why they're still single. I met a guy like that recently. He told me he couldn't come to my party because he had to rearrange his sock drawer. I didn't know that was a pressing issue in his life. I mean, are the socks plotting a rebellion when they're not in the right order?
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