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You ever wonder if animals have their own conspiracy theories? Like, maybe the squirrels are convinced that the birds are plotting against them. "I saw a blue jay giving me the side-eye, Larry. They're up to something!" And I bet the ants have a whole espionage thing going on. "Operation Picnic Raid: Phase One, commence!" I wouldn't be surprised if animals have secret meetings when we're not around, discussing how to mess with us. "Let's all simultaneously start barking at 3 AM, just to see how they like it." And you know the cats are the ringleaders of this animal Illuminati. They're probably sitting there, plotting world domination, one knocked-over vase at a time.
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You know, they say humans are at the top of the food chain, but have you ever seen a lion in action? I'd like to see the corporate guy, in his power suit, try to take down a zebra for lunch. "Sorry, Johnson, I'm gonna be a bit late for that meeting. I'm chasing my sandwich on four legs across the savannah." It's like we're the only species that needs a GPS to find food. And don't get me started on snakes. I mean, we've got arms and legs, and we're still terrified of something that slithers. If I had no legs, I'd be way more afraid of escalators than snakes. Those things are just waiting to eat your shoelaces!
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You ever notice how they always call certain animals "dangerous"? Like, what's the deal with that? Are they secretly holding knives when we're not looking? "Oh, here comes Mr. Grizzly, better watch out for his concealed weapon!" Seriously, though, I was watching a documentary about dangerous animals, and they had this intense music playing in the background. I'm thinking, is this a nature show or the soundtrack to my last camping trip? Seems like animals get a bad rap just because they have a few sharp teeth or a venomous tail. I mean, sure, a scorpion can sting you, but have you ever stepped on a Lego? Now that's real pain, my friends. I'd take my chances with a scorpion any day.
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People love having exotic pets, right? "I've got a pet tiger, a pet python, and a pet tarantula." Meanwhile, I'm over here struggling to keep my goldfish alive. I can't even handle a pet that needs feeding once a day, and you've got a zoo in your living room. And don't even get me started on those folks who have pet spiders. I mean, why? "Oh, this is my little eight-legged friend. His name is Fluffy." Fluffy? Really? The only thing fluffy about that spider is the dust on its web.
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