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Kids have this way of making you question your entire existence. My daughter asked me, "Daddy, when did you first become old?" I looked in the mirror and thought, "Well, this conversation just aged me another five years.
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You know you're a dad when your idea of a wild night is staying up past 10 p.m. I used to be a night owl, now I'm more like a sleep-deprived owl. "Hoot hoot, is it bedtime yet?
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Parenting is a constant negotiation. My son tried to convince me that chocolate should be considered a basic food group. I said, "Nice try, buddy, but 'Dad Bod' doesn't need a chocolate foundation.
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Being a parent is like being a superhero without the cool costume. My son thinks I have superpowers because I can open a jar of pickles. I'm "Dad, the Pickle Opener." Not exactly the Avenger I had in mind.
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Parenting is essentially a stand-up comedy routine without a script. My son told me a joke the other day, and I laughed so hard that I forgot the punchline. Now I'm stuck in this eternal punchline limbo.
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You ever notice how kids have this uncanny ability to turn the simplest words into a grand saga? I asked my daughter for a snack, and suddenly I'm not just her dad; I'm "snack daddy." Forget Marvel, my kitchen is the new superhero universe.
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Ever notice how kids have a sixth sense for when you're on an important call? The moment I pick up the phone, my son suddenly needs urgent assistance in the bathroom. It's like they have a hotline to inconvenient emergencies.
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Kids have this knack for making you question your intelligence. My daughter asked me why the sky is blue, and I gave her a detailed scientific explanation. She responded with, "I meant on the iPad, Daddy." Well, excuse me, Professor iPad Genius.
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As a dad, I've mastered the art of pretending to be asleep. My son tries to wake me up early on weekends, and I play the part of a snoring bear. "Sorry, buddy, bear dad needs his beauty sleep.
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