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You know, I was never a Cub Scout growing up. I guess my parents didn't want me to learn how to tie knots or build a fire. They were more concerned about me being able to navigate the treacherous terrain of the middle school cafeteria. But recently, I found myself at a Cub Scout meeting because my nephew is a Cub Scout, and let me tell you, it's a whole different world. They've got their little uniforms, their badges, and this handbook that's thicker than the last book I read. I mean, who knew there was so much to learn about knots? I can barely tie my shoes!
And those Pinewood Derby cars they make? I didn't realize we were holding miniature NASCAR races in the name of childhood achievement. My car would probably be sponsored by procrastination and lack of artistic ability. "Coming around the final turn, and here comes 'The Last-Minute Larry'... slowly."
I did learn one thing, though. Cub Scouts are serious about camping. They're out there in the wilderness, roughing it with their tents and sleeping bags. Meanwhile, I'm over here struggling to set up a pop-up tent in my backyard for a "staycation." I call it "Glamping for Beginners.
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So, I went to my nephew's Cub Scout graduation recently. It's a big deal; they call it the Weebelos transition. I have no idea what a Weebelo is, but apparently, it's the next level of Cub Scout greatness. It sounds like a mythical creature you'd find in a Tolkien novel. During the ceremony, they had these kids cross over a bridge, symbolizing their journey from Cub Scouts to Weebelos. I couldn't help but think, "Is this the bridge to adulthood? Because if so, I'd like a refund on my ticket."
And they had these proud parents cheering like their kids just won the Super Bowl. I'm over here thinking, "Can we have a graduation ceremony for adulting? Like, 'Congratulations, you paid your bills on time and didn't burn the pasta. Welcome to Adulthood 101.'"
But hey, if crossing a symbolic bridge and earning a badge for tying a square knot is what it takes to prepare the next generation, then sign me up. I'll be over here, still trying to figure out how to tie my shoes properly. Maybe they have a badge for that in the adulting world.
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You ever notice how Cub Scouts are like the entrepreneurial geniuses of childhood? They've got this whole cookie empire going on. Move over, Girl Scouts, because the Cub Scouts are in town, and they're selling cookies with a side of determination. But here's the thing - they don't just sell cookies at the grocery store. No, they come knocking on your door like they're undercover cookie agents. And if you don't buy any, it's like you've committed a crime against the innocence of childhood. I can't resist those little faces, so now I have a stockpile of cookies at home that I have no idea how to finish.
And let's talk about the pressure of selling those cookies. These kids are practically giving you the hard sell. They're like tiny, adorable used car salesmen. "You don't want Thin Mints? How about considering the life-changing experience of Samoas? You can't say no to a Tagalong, can you?" I feel like I need a negotiation coach just to survive the doorstep cookie exchange.
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Cub Scouts are all about survival skills, right? They teach these kids how to navigate the great outdoors and be prepared for anything. Meanwhile, I panic if my phone battery drops below 20%. I'm not exactly ready to fend off a bear with my extensive knowledge of Instagram filters. And what's with all the emphasis on knots? I mean, how many times in my adult life have I needed to fashion a makeshift rope out of shoelaces? If I ever find myself in a situation where my survival depends on my ability to tie a bowline knot, just consider me bear food.
But I have to give it to the Cub Scouts; they're onto something. Maybe instead of teaching kids how to build a fire, we should be teaching them how to navigate a crowded subway or how to survive a family Thanksgiving dinner without starting a political debate. Now, those are some real-life survival skills.
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