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Have you noticed that even crackers are on social media now? Yeah, I logged into Twitter the other day, and there's a tweet from my box of crackers. It said, "Just had a fantastic photoshoot! Check out my crispy profile pic! #CrackerGoals." I mean, really? Are we now judging crackers based on their social media presence? What's next, Instagram influencers endorsing crackers? "Hey, just tried these amazing crackers. #Ad #SponsoredSnack."
And don't get me started on the cracker influencers. "Just hit 1 million followers! Thank you to all my fans who appreciate my golden-brown complexion and impeccable salt distribution. #CrackinItBig."
I miss the days when crackers were humble. Now they're out here competing for likes and retweets. I don't need my snacks to have a social media presence. I just need them to be delicious and not try to slide into my DMs.
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I recently started a support group for crackers. Yeah, it's called "Crackers Anonymous." We meet in the snack aisle every Wednesday night. The first rule of Crackers Anonymous is you do not talk about your printing capabilities. We're here to support each other, not brag about who has the crispiest resolution.
I can see it now: "Hi, I'm Dave, and I'm a cracker." The group responds, "Hi, Dave!" Then someone in the back yells, "Dave, we saw your tweet about being #PrintedAndProud. This is a safe space, man!"
But it's not just about the printing. We've got crackers struggling with self-esteem because they don't have enough salt, crackers with imposter syndrome because they're not gluten-free. It's a real cracker crisis out there.
So, if you see a lonely box of crackers in the store, give it a little pat and say, "It's okay, you're perfect just the way you are. No need to print your worth on a label.
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You ever notice how everything is getting smarter these days? We've got smartphones, smartwatches, even smart refrigerators. But you know what I recently discovered? Smart crackers. Yeah, apparently, we're living in a time where even our snacks are expected to be intelligent. I mean, what's next, crackers with a PhD? I went to the store the other day, and I see these crackers with a label that says "Printed with the latest technology." Printed? I thought I was buying a snack, not a document. Are my crackers sending faxes now? I can just imagine them in the office, having a meeting, discussing important cracker business.
"Johnson, did you hear about those pretzels down the aisle? They just got a promotion to the party section. We need to step up our game!"
And then there's the pressure of eating them correctly. Do I need to follow a specific protocol to appreciate the complexity of these printed crackers? Do I need to use a magnifying glass to read the fine print on my snack? "Ah yes, this cracker was printed on a crisp autumn day, with a hint of cheese and a dash of technological advancement."
I just want to enjoy my snack without feeling like I'm operating a 3D printer. Give me a bag of dumb crackers, please. I don't need my snacks to have an IQ; I just need them to taste good. Let the crackers be crackers, not the next technological breakthrough.
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You ever think about the identity crisis crackers must be going through? I mean, one day they're just simple, salt-of-the-earth crackers, and the next, they're expected to be these high-tech, printed wonders. I imagine them in therapy, sitting on a tiny cracker-sized couch. Therapist: "So, how are you feeling today, Mr. Cracker?"
Cracker: "Doc, I don't know who I am anymore. One day I'm a plain cracker, and the next, I'm supposed to be a technological marvel. I just want to be buttered and enjoyed, not dissected like the latest iPhone."
And let's talk about the pressure of living up to the "Printed with the latest technology" label. I mean, imagine being a cracker and feeling the weight of imposter syndrome. "Am I really the latest in cracker technology, or am I just a basic saltine trying to fit in with the cool snacks?"
I miss the days when crackers were simple. You knew what you were getting—a crispy, crunchy delight. Now I feel like I need to update my crackers every six months, like they're some kind of software. "Sorry, can't enjoy these, they're last year's model. My taste buds demand the latest release!
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