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I was checking out [celebrity name]'s Instagram, and they were on a private jet. The only time I've been on a private jet is when I accidentally walked into the first-class section of a commercial flight.
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[celebrity name] has a pet tiger. A tiger! The closest thing I have to a wild animal in my apartment is a houseplant that occasionally tries to escape by leaning toward the window.
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I read [celebrity name] has a collection of rare wines. The only rare wine I have is the one I accidentally left open overnight and now proudly call "vintage vinegar.
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I heard [celebrity name] has a personal trainer. I have a personal trainer too – it's called my refrigerator. Every time I open it, it yells, "You don't need that cookie, Karen!" I'm just trying to keep my fridge happy and my abs hidden.
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[celebrity name] has a house that's bigger than my entire neighborhood. I mean, I'm not saying they have a big house, but Google Maps considers it a tourist attraction. I thought my apartment was spacious until I found out [celebrity name]'s walk-in closet has its own walk-in closet. I have a studio apartment; my closet is also my kitchen, bedroom, and home office.
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So, I was reading about [celebrity name] the other day, and it turns out they have a personal chef. A personal chef! I don't even have a personal can opener. I mean, my culinary skills include pressing the 'popcorn' button on the microwave. If I had a personal chef, they'd quit within a week after finding my attempts at gourmet cuisine involve burning water.
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[celebrity name] was spotted at a luxury spa, getting a treatment I can't even pronounce. The fanciest spa I've been to is the one where the shower water changes temperature randomly. I don't go to a spa for relaxation; I go for the challenge of maintaining a comfortable water temperature.
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You know [celebrity name], right? Well, they just posted a selfie on social media, looking flawless as always. Meanwhile, I took a selfie, and people asked if I was using a potato as a filter. I don't need a makeup artist; I need a Photoshop wizard to follow me around in real life.
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You know [celebrity name], right? They have a personal assistant. I can't even get my dog to fetch the newspaper without turning it into a game of "Let's shred it and see if Karen notices.
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