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Masks have become the new fashion statement. I never thought I'd see the day when I'd coordinate my mask with my outfit. "Is that a floral pattern? Oh, it goes so well with your existential dread.
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The coronavirus has made us all expert hand washers. I feel like a surgeon scrubbing in for surgery every time I wash my hands. I've even developed my own theme song – "Happy Birthday" has never been sung with such determination.
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The coronavirus has turned us all into amateur chefs. I never knew I had such culinary skills until I had to create a meal using only the random items left in my pantry. I call it "Quarantine Surprise." It's a surprise because even I don't know what's in it.
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The most exercise I get these days is going to the grocery store and dodging people like I'm in a real-life game of Frogger. It's like, "Excuse me, coming through! Gotta grab that toilet paper – it's the holy grail of the pandemic.
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You know the coronavirus is serious when even introverts are starting to miss people. Introverts are like, "I used to avoid human contact, but now I'm like, where did all the humans go? Bring them back, I promise not to complain about small talk!
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Remember when we used to say, "I need some space"? Well, congratulations, now we all have plenty of space – six feet of it. Social distancing is like the universe's way of taking our requests too literally.
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Hand sanitizer has become the new currency. Forget about dollars and cents; it's all about ounces and squirts now. I'm waiting for the day I can pay for my coffee with a well-timed squirt of hand sanitizer. "That'll be two squirts for a latte, please.
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Remember when we used to judge people for wearing gloves in public? Now we're all out here feeling like amateur surgeons, trying not to touch anything. I put on gloves to get the mail; I'm not taking any chances.
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My dog is loving this whole quarantine thing. He's thinking, "Finally, my humans get me. They're home all the time, and they still can't resist petting me every five minutes. It's the golden age of belly rubs!
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