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You know, I've been thinking a lot about Britney lately. Not Britney Spears, no. I'm talking about Britney, my GPS. She's always telling me where to go, and I'm like, "Britney, you're not the boss of me!" But then I realize, she kinda is. I mean, she knows all the shortcuts, and I'm over here stuck in traffic like, "Thanks a lot, Britney!" And you know how sometimes she gets all sassy when you miss a turn? She's like, "Recalculating." I'm just waiting for the day she adds, "You're on your own, buddy!" Can't we have a more supportive GPS? Maybe one that says, "No worries, take the scenic route, live your life!
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Have you noticed that GPS voices come in different accents now? I changed Britney to have a British accent once, thinking it would make me feel sophisticated. But then she started saying things like, "In 500 yards, make a U-turn, mate." I'm like, "Whoa, Britney, calm down, we're not in London, we're in the drive-thru!" And don't get me started on the Australian accent. "G'day, turn left, and watch out for kangaroos on the road." I'm just trying to get to work, not wrestle with wildlife, Britney! Can we stick to directions and leave the cultural exchange for another time?
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You ever feel like Britney is silently judging you? I missed a turn the other day, and she said, "You should have turned back there." I'm like, "Thanks, Britney, I don't need your judgment. You're a GPS, not my life coach." I can imagine her being all passive-aggressive, like, "If you'd just listened to me, you wouldn't be lost right now." And have you noticed she gets eerily silent when you ignore her directions? It's like she's giving me the silent treatment. I half expect her to say, "Fine, find your own way. I'll just be here with my satellites, watching you.
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You ever notice how Britney's advice can be a bit relationship-like? She's always saying things like, "In 300 yards, merge onto the highway of love." I'm like, "Britney, I'm just trying to get to the grocery store, not find a soulmate!" And when you make a wrong turn, she's quick to say, "Recalculating route." It's like she's telling me, "You messed up, but I'll help you find your way back." I'm starting to think Britney might be the best relationship counselor out there. Maybe I should bring her along to my next date and let her navigate the complexities of romance!
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