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You ever find yourself in the middle of nowhere, in a place so remote it makes your GPS throw up its digital hands in surrender? I recently got lost in the boondocks, and let me tell you, my GPS was like, "Good luck, buddy! I hope you packed a compass and some survival gear." I finally saw a sign that said, "Population: 50." I thought, "Are they counting the wildlife? Is there a raccoon mayor?" I asked a local for directions, and they said, "Go down the dirt road, past the big tree, and if you hit the cow pasture, you've gone too far." I'm thinking, "Is this a scavenger hunt or a quest in a video game?"
It's so quiet out there; you can hear banjos tuning up in the distance. I felt like I stumbled onto the set of a horror movie. I half-expected Leatherface to come running out with a chainsaw. I finally made it out, but now I understand why they call it the boondocks – because civilization is nowhere to be found!
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I decided to try the local cuisine in the boondocks, thinking I'd discover some hidden culinary gems. I walked into a diner, and the menu was like a scavenger hunt. "Find the dish with the most vowels, and that's what you're eating." I ordered something called the "Boondock Special," and the waitress gave me a look like, "Good luck, city slicker." The food arrived, and I swear I saw it move. I asked the waitress, "Is this supposed to be alive?" She said, "Oh, honey, that just means it's fresh." I'm thinking, "Fresh from what? The farm next door? Did it have a name before it ended up on my plate?"
I love trying local dishes, but in the boondocks, it's like a culinary adventure. You take a bite and play "Guess the Mystery Meat." I asked the chef what was in it, and he said, "It's a family secret." Translation: "We don't even know; we just throw everything in the pot and hope for the best.
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So, I thought I'd check out the nightlife in the boondocks. I walked into the local bar, and the jukebox was playing a song I hadn't heard since my grandparents' 50th wedding anniversary. The bartender looked at me like I was an alien. I asked for a cocktail, and he handed me a can of beer with a shot of something strong on the side. I said, "Is this the boondock mixology experience?" He replied, "It gets the job done." The dance floor was a sight to behold. It was like a scene from a low-budget country music video. I tried to dance, but everyone was doing this strange, synchronized line dance I'd never seen before. I felt like a penguin at a flamingo party.
I finally asked someone to teach me the dance, and they said, "It's in our blood." I'm thinking, "Great, I'm the only one here without the boondock dance gene." I left the bar thinking I'd had a cultural experience, but I'm pretty sure I left a lasting impression as the guy who can't two-step to save his life.
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In the boondocks, technology is like a mythical creature. I asked someone if they had Wi-Fi, and they looked at me like I had just spoken in a foreign language. They said, "We got something better – it's called fresh air." I'm thinking, "Fresh air doesn't help me upload pictures to Instagram!" I stayed at a local inn, and they proudly announced they had cable TV. I got excited, thinking I could catch up on all my favorite shows. Turns out, their idea of cable TV is a fuzzy screen showing a couple of local channels and an infomercial for a product that probably went off the market in the '90s.
The highlight was the phone in my room. It had actual buttons and a cord! I felt like I'd traveled back in time. I asked the innkeeper if the phone had long-distance, and he said, "Honey, the nearest town is 50 miles away – everything is long-distance." I'm thinking, "I'll just send smoke signals; it might be faster.
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