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People say golf is a relaxing way to spend an afternoon, like taking a stroll in the park. Sure, if that park had strategically placed water hazards, sand traps that act like quicksand, and trees that seem to have a gravitational pull towards golf balls. It's like nature conspiring against your self-esteem. And why is it that no matter how hard I try to aim for the fairway, my ball has a GPS programmed for the woods? I'm convinced there's a golf ball rebellion happening. They're tired of being smacked around and are plotting their escape into the wilderness.
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You ever notice how golf is the only sport where you can spend more time looking for the ball than actually hitting it? I mean, I'm out there playing detective, Sherlock Holmes with a five iron. I'm like, "Where did this little white devil go?" It's like trying to find Waldo, but Waldo is a tiny, elusive, spherical jerk. And don't get me started on the terminology. They call it a "bad lie." Really? I'm pretty sure it's the golf ball lying about its location. "No, I'm not in the rough. I'm on the fairway, just really, really well camouflaged."
I recently played a round, and I hit a ball into a sand trap so deep, I thought I'd discovered the lost city of Atlantis. I'm standing there, contemplating life choices, and my buddy says, "Bad golf day, huh?" Bad golf day? I felt like I was auditioning for the sequel to "The Sands of Time" out there!
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In what universe does it make sense that the lower your score, the better you're doing? Golf is the only game where you're thrilled to be subpar. Imagine applying that logic to other areas of life. "Oh, I only aced 20% of my exams this semester. I'm killing it academically!" And the scoring system, don't even get me started. It's like they took math, threw it into a blender, and then sprinkled it onto a golf scorecard. "Okay, so I add this, subtract that, carry the one... and I'm still terrible at this game."
And can we talk about the 19th hole? That's the only hole where I'm consistently under par. Maybe they should make the entire course a giant clubhouse.
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Golf is supposedly a game of patience. Patience, my foot! If anything, golf is a test of how creative you can get with your swear words. You ever seen a calm golfer? It's like witnessing a zen master in the middle of a traffic jam. "Oh, I'm just going to peacefully accept this four-putt. Namaste." And don't even talk to me about the sand wedge. It's like trying to perform brain surgery with a sledgehammer. You're standing there, contemplating the delicate touch required, and then you send the ball sailing into the stratosphere. If that's what they call a "bunker shot," I'd hate to see what they consider a "missile launch."
I swear, golf is the only sport where you're encouraged to whisper and then scream profanities.
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